


Whenever I wake up, I always look for you

by imjustatypo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, Slow Burn, Verbal Abuse, but i might do oneshots for those pairing later, ill add tags as i go, its markyong central, jaehyun's dating yeri for a bit, mark doesn't know what's happening, mark gets into a lot of fights (verbal i swear), mark's a confused boy, mark's a sad boy, so there's only a little bit of johnjae and doeil, taeyong's even more of a sad boy, they do happen though i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjustatypo/pseuds/imjustatypo
Summary: For as long as Mark can remember he's had the same dream every night someone, a beautiful stranger, goes to cross the street and gets brutally run over. One day he sees the man again... only this time it's not a dream.orMark's living his life day by day in New York City, but for awhile he's been having this dream about a beautiful pink haired man getting killed. Every day he becomes more and more confused as to why he's even having this dream, but he's long since given up on trying to figure it out. Then one day his world flips upside when he sees said stranger... alive and well, only it's not the time for him to die.





	1. the dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my first ever fanfiction >.<
> 
> Markyong is such an underrated ship and doesn't really have a lot fanfictions...so I decided to write one myself. This is going to get pretty angsty, and it might also turn into kind of a slow burn/ a long fanfiction...who knows...

**_“I know you're dying to meet me_ **

**_But I can just tell you this_ **

**_Baby, as soon as you meet me_ **

**_You'll wish that you never did…”_ **

 

_As usual his sight focuses on one mess of pink hair out of the rest of the crowd. His earbuds were dangling out of his ears, and his hand reached to slip his phone into his jacket pocket. His feet were tapping lightly on the pavement as he waited to cross the street. His pale skin peeking out of the rest of blurred faces. He’s towards the back of the group, so even when the light indicates he can cross, he still stands there for a moment. His eyes pierce through the slight morning fog as he starts to walk across the street, and as he does time seems to slow down. His figure is alluring as he moves across the road, a slight smile etched into his features. Suddenly the view shifts, he’s looking down the crosswalk at the crowd crossing it. The other’s in the crowd start to flow around the point, the edges of their features getting softer and softer as the color fades from the people. The pink of his hair on the other hand seems to become violently brighter. He’s about halfway across the street when time seems to shift, all the sudden his phone becomes clearer as it suddenly drops, ripping out the earbuds from the socket of the phone and falling with a crunch onto the cold, hard surface of the busy street road. The stunning man stops, cursing his luck. That’s when it happens, he turns around grabbing his phone, dusting off the screen of it. He whips around just as a car drives by, and all the sudden time becomes normal again. Pink hair goes flying onto the car’s windshield, and plops on the ground in front of the car as it comes screeching to a halt a foot away from his body. There’s no scream, no sound, just a deafening silence. An older man steps out of his car his hands massaging his temples in quilt. But the man, the bubble-gum pink haired, innocent, charming man was lying on the ground with his eyes wide open, a trail of blood circling his head like some messed-up halo. All the sudden the one watching is jogging, running to the side of the man. He hears a deafening scream and crying, tears start to litter his pristine face, and a hand starts brushing at strands of the pink hair, tangling in the now messy locks. An alarm starts blaring, it starts of softly like it’s far away but gets louder and louder and louder, like it’s creeping up on his body,  like..._

 

**BEEP BEEP BEEP**

 

Mark screams, choking on air as he tries to settle down. He lets out a strangled sound, almost like a whimper and rolls on his side, sharply hitting the large _snooze_ button on his alarm clock. His breath starts to steady again, like it usually does. Mark’s had this same dream every night for the entire year although he remembers parts of it from even earlier than that, not that he can pinpoint when it started. He groans as he sits up, bones cracking lightly as the tension caused by the dream starts to catch up with him. He never did understand the dream, he didn’t know the person who was killed and he didn’t know why his dream self had such a strong reaction to his death. Hell, he didn’t even know if the dream was “real”, it’s not like any of the other dreams he’s had have come true. It’s probably just his overactive imagination running away from him... still, it was unsettling to say the least.

 

Mark lightly massages his temples, grabbing his phone off his nightstand and leaning back on the headboard of his bed, unlocking his phone:

 

_9 new messages_

 

He slides his phone open scrolling through his messages, one’s from last night, around 11:30. It’s from his boss, telling him to take the day off. Mark sighs, as much as he’s thankful that he doesn’t have to go to work, he still wished he could’ve known earlier (so he didn’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn). The rest are from the group chat with a couple of his friends; his roomate Jaehyun, Jaehyun's girlfriend Yeri, and two of Mark’s childhood best friends, Donghyuck and Renjun. He quickly marks the messages as read, he never really talks in the groupchat anyway. He places his head in his hand and thinks, should he just get up now or should he go back to sleep? He doesn’t think he can, given this recurring nightmare. He grunts as he pulls himself up from bed, wrapping his sheets around his body. He slips his round “Harry Potter” glasses on and stands up, trying his best not to wobble as he walks. He passes a mirror on his way out of his room and giggles at his appearance. His black hair is knotted in every which way, he’s wearing a stretched out white t-shirt that’s at least 2 sizes too big, the hem of which stops just over the bottom edge of his black boxers. He pulls his sheet tighter around himself and peeps out of his door. Jaehyun is sitting at the kitchen counter, chowing down at what seems to be fruit loops.

“Morning Jae.” Mark mumbles as he steps out of his room, not realising how scratchy his morning voice would be.

“Yo Mark, I didn’t expect you up so early.”

Mark chuckles, “Yeah neither did I.”

“Didn’t Johnny cancel work though?”

Mark nods, and shuffles into the kitchen, grabbing some cheerios off of the top of their fridge. “He did but I didn’t see the message until this morning.”  
“Ha sucks to be you.”

Mark rolls his eyes at Jaehyun’s antics and continues making himself his usual small breakfast of cereal and toast. He wouldn’t mind a nice breakfast, typical American style bacon with eggs and maybe even some sausages, but sadly he can’t really cook. The last time he tried he almost set their apartment on fire.

 

He pushes the bread into the toaster and hops onto the counter, wrapping his sheet around his shoulders and letting it gather on his lap. He taps out a beat he had been working on on the side of the counter while Jaehyun sets his bowl in the sink next to Mark and says something about a shower. Mark just yawns in response, too tired to really care. He grabs a spoon real quick and starts munching on his cereal while his toast finishes, he then takes out a knife and spreads a generous amount of butter on the pieces.

 

The sound of the shower cuts out, and Mark sets off to his room since he’d rather not see Jaehyun half naked in their apartment’s living room. The second he steps foot in his room he hears his phone go off, and then again and again. Picking it up he sees a bunch of messages from Donghyuck;

 

_I’m bored_

_Do you have to work today?_

_Jaehyun and Renjun are both working again…_

_Can we do something?_

_Pleeeeaaaaasssssseee_

 

Mark thinks on it for a few seconds before giving in, texting Donghyuck to ask him where to meet up. He rummages through his dresser before pulling out a plain (although better fitting) white t-shirt and a pair of jeans, tucking them under his arm. He cracks his door open and calls Jaehyun,

“Are you out of the shower?”

Jaehyun, on cue, walks out of the bathroom. His light brown hair was still wet, but other than that he was completely clothed, save his shoes which were still at the door step right next to Mark’s pair.

“Yeah man, just about to leave for work.” Mark nods in acknowledgement and pushes past him, “Say hi to Yeri for me.”

“Yeah ok.”

He closes the bathroom door behind him but can still hear Jaehyun shuffling on the other side of the door. He starts the water, making sure it’s pretty much burning, and strips off his shirt as he steps into the shower, letting the hot water soothe his stressed and overworked muscles.

  


_Central Park?_ _  
_ _Sure i’m omw_

 

Mark slips on his converse and pulls on a nice black sweatshirt Jaehyun bought for him. He starts to set his phone in the pocket of his sweatshirt, but suddenly a flash of that pink haired boy putting his phone in his jacket pocket stops him. He puts it in the back pocket of his jeans instead, shaking the thought of the boy from his head as he prepares to meet Donghyuck.

  
He steps out of his apartment into the chilly air of early March. He lives in a slightly busy part of New York City, somewhere between the _real_ bustling areas and the “suburbs.” He starts his journey towards the subway slowly, but something else is still on his mind. He’s bothered, and he can’t quite place why. He hardly notices time passing until he’s suddenly in front of the entrance to the nearest subway station. He passes through the station in a daze and when he finally gets onto the train he simply stands there in the middle of the car, holding onto one of the grips hanging off of the ceiling. He’s aimlessly scrolling through Instagram when he gets a message from Donghyuck,

  
_I spot a cutie_

_Hurry up or i call dibs_

 

He shakes his head at his best friends antics, he knew whoever it was probably wouldn’t be his type anyway. He sends back a quick;

 

_Guess you call dibs then_

 

Looking up from his phone, he feels a strong sense of deja vu run over him, chilling him, making his blood run cold. _It’s him._

 

He doesn’t have pink hair though, but Mark’s certain it’s him. He’s sitting on one of the subway car seats, his leg bouncing up and down as he sits. He has silver hair, although the black hair of his roots are completely visible. He has the same brown eyes as in Mark’s dream, the same apple earbuds leading from the same phone to the same ears. He’s confused, he’s completely and utterly confused and he finds himself just gaping at the stranger. The stranger turns his head, checking out the map of stops before his gaze passes that of Mark’s. The entire face of the stranger heats up, and Mark can’t help but stare as the tips of his ears turn pink. It’s then when Mark realizes he probably shouldn’t be staring at a stranger and ducks his gaze. He fiddles for his phone for a bit until the next stop is announced and the train stops, the door slides open and before he can help himself he snaps his head up, trying to see if the stranger is one of the people getting off. He strains his neck, trying to catch a glimpse of him but it seemed like the whole train was shifting and shuffling, he couldn’t see anything. He shifts his gaze back towards the floor, resigning himself to waiting for the train to start moving again.

  
It does. The people have all cleared out, and the number of them inside the car is actually considerably smaller than it was before. In fact, there’s a perfectly empty seat right across from Mark’s stranger. He thinks about for about half a second before impulsivly deciding to do it, he lets go of the handle right as the car jostles forward and he goes flying forward.

_“Woahhhh there.”_

The words cut through Mark like a dagger, but the words themselves are spoken softly and sweetly, and Mark just wants to positively melt into them. There are hands curving around his waist, gripping him in place so he didn’t fall over. Mark turns to find the stranger’s soft brown eyes focused on him, he can feel the blood rushing to his cheeks.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah s-sorry.”

“It’s alright.” He smiles up at Mark and his cherry pink lips look so soft and his cheeks look so squishy……

Mark pulls away and shuffles over to the seat he was aiming for, the stranger’s eyes never leaving him. All thoughts of the nightmare Mark’s been having were lost in his gaze.

“I swear I’m not usually that clumsy.”

“Now why don’t I believe you?”  
Mark’s not sure why but he barks out laughing;

“I mean you’re not wrong.”

He giggles in response to Mark’s admission and Mark finds himself playing with his fingers, he knows he’s blushing but he can’t help it. The stranger’s handsome, beyond beautiful, and Mark not too sure how to handle it. The stranger takes his earbuds out and Mark smiles, hoping for some reason that he gets his undivided attention.

“So then Mr. Clumsy-”

“Mr. Clumsy?”  
“Well I don’t know your name now, do I?”

Mark blushes, he knows he blushes and before he knows it his stutter returns,

“M-Mark.”  
“Hiya Mark.”

“Hi…”

Mark trails off, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s never been more flustered in his life, and he can’t help but think that’s not such a bad thing.

“Excuse me, I can’t help but to ask, Mark’s an English name...but you look Korean like me.”

“Oh y-yeah both my parents are Korean but I was born in C-Canada.”

Mark mentally face palms, he stutters sometimes when he gets nervous, he confuses his words all the time, he just can’t help it. Jaehyun likes to joke about it, says it’s because Mark knows too many languages.

“Oh that’s cool. I just moved here a few months ago.”

“Really,” Marks head snapped up, slightly surprised at this, “your English is really good.”

His cheeks become a dark red and he laughs lightly, “고맙습니다 (gomabseubnida/ _Thank You)”_

Mark opens his mouth to say something when a voice on the intercom announces the next stop, “Oh shoot that’s mine.”

 

Mark’s sure he imagined the pout on the stranger, but as soon as he looks back to make sure– an image of him, surrounded by blood on the pitch-black pavement flashes in the front of his mind. He whips around like he’s been stung, not caring that the stranger might’ve called out his name. He didn’t care, he _couldn’t_ care, even if it was just some wacko dream, the stranger was so _real,_ almost too real, and Mark didn’t want to risk it. He rushes out of the train and onto the platform as fast as his feet will take him. He’ll never admit it, but part of him was hoping it would be the strangers stop too and looking around, he becomes disappointed when he realizes it isn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...chapter one is done! I wrote this so long ago and just went back to read it and edit it, and I think we're off to a pretty good start.
> 
> (also follow me on twitter: @/imjustatypo)  
> ^i currently have a nohyuck au in the works, and will hopefully be starting a markyong one in like (a month?)


	2. starbucks and arguments

**_“This is my destiny_ **

**_Don’t smile on me_ **

**_Light on me_ **

**_Because I can’t go to you_ **

**_There’s no name to call”_ **

 

“Hey man, what’s up..” Mark says distractedly, his mind is still mostly focused on the stranger from earlier– despite the fact that he walked around the long way to clear his head, it’s still in shambles from the earlier encounter. Mark takes his time walking up to Donghyuck, who’s sitting on a stone bench with an icecream cone firm in his hand. It took Mark a good 5 minutes wandering around Central Park to find him, he should’ve known Donghyuck would go straight for the food.

“Yo Mark what took so long, the cutie’s already gone.”

Mark chuckles, 

“I don’t really care, where’d you get the ice cream.?”

  
Donghyuck motions somewhere behind him, and Mark searches around, finding a small food truck that was serving ice cream. He turns back to Donghyuck and sits down next to him, muttering about how he wants some. Donghyuck chuckles and the two of them get right back up and head to the icecream truck, Mark ordering himself 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. They continue to walk around the park together, with Donghyuck ranting about this and that, how his coworkers are  _ so annoying  _ and how  _ American junk food isn’t as good.  _ Mark nods along, but isn’t entirely paying attention, for some reason his mind just keeps wandering back to the “stranger” on the train. He was 100% sure that it was the same man from his dreams, but just that thought scares him. He’s never seen him before, and was almost certain that his mind had made him up– until today. If Mark was going to be honest with himself, he would admit that the man seemed almost  _ perfect _ , too perfect to be real….too  beautiful strange to be real. But instead he sticks to the facts, which are he just had a perfectly normal conversation with a stranger on the subway, and was probably never going to see said stranger again. 

“–and then Jeno had the nerve to say that my work wasn’t creative enough, like who does he think he is? He’s just an intern he has no business telling me how to do my– are you listening to me?”   
“Hmm?”   
“Mark, I asked if you were listening to me...”   
“Yeah, yeah of course I am.” He wasn’t.

Donghyuck gave him a look that told Mark that he knew pretty damn well that Mark barely registered a word he said.    
“What? I’m just getting sick of you ranting about Jeno.” Mark says teasingly, he knew it was an easy way to change the subject, and hopefully Donghyuck wouldn’t bring up how he wasn’t listening, they’ve had way too many fights recently and Mark was honestly getting sick of them.

“I do not rant about Jeno!” Mark laughed, 

“Yes you do.”   
“Well he deserves a good rant or two, he’s just so….ughhh.”

Mark shakes his head, he’s met Jeno and he couldn’t see why Donghyuck had such a strong opinion of him, he didn’t even seem that bad. He could never say that to Donghyuck however, who hates Jeno with a burning passion. 

Donghyuck trails off grumpily and they continue walking in silence. It’s not really that uncommon for them to spend a lot of time together and they honestly don’t feel like they always have to be talking. It’s one of Mark’s favorite thing about their friendship, he’s not obligated to talk because they’re comfortable just being next to each other.

“What do you mean you don’t care”

“Hm?”   
“You don’t care about the girl? From before.”

“Not particularly, why-”   
“Well...it’s just we’ve know each other for  _ years,  _ we’ve been friends for basically ever, and I can’t remember you ever...being interested in, well... anyone.”   
Mark bites his lower lip, yet another one of his nervous ticks. He doesn’t really know what to say in this situation, because he doesn’t really know the answer to it himself. It’s true he’s never really had a  _ crush  _ per se, it just was never particularly interesting for him. “Maybe you just haven’t been paying attention….” Mark joked,

“Bullshit. You’ve had to have liked someone, you must've just not told me about it.”

Mark turns his head  to look at his best friend, he seemed almost sad and Mark felt a sense of guilt wash over him. They’ve know each other since high school, and were roommates all through college before he moved in with Jaehyun, it wasn’t fair that Mark couldn’t be as open with him as he could be with Mark but he just really doesn’t know where he is with himself...he doesn’t take the time to think about that kind of stuff….

“How long has this been on your mind?”

Donghyuck glanced at him and shrugged, continuing to eat his ice cream. Mark had a sinking feeling that this issue would not go away so quickly, and that Donghyuck wouldn’t be saying anything until he spoke first.

“Honestly Donghyuck, I don’t think I’ve really liked anyone that much, not enough to actually be serious about it anyway,” Mark responds as truthfully as possible, hoping that it would be enough for Donghyuck, 

“I really haven’t...”

Donghyuck looked up at him speculatively, and shook his head. 

“Not even in high school? Not even one person? C’mon Mark that’s just not possible.”

Mark sighs,

“Why do you even care Hyuck? It’s not that big of a deal.”   
“It kinda is Mark, I tell you everything, who I’m interested in, how we met, everything. Even when I had a crush on Lisa in high school, Jennie, every stupid crush I had, I’ve told you about them all.  _ Honestly, _ Mark. I’m not stupid, I just wish you’d tell me.”

“Tell you what? There’s nothing to tell.”

 

Donghyuck gave him one of his “looks” and Mark knew he wasn’t going to buy it. He could feel his defenses kicking in, that was the one thing he couldn’t stand when it came to Donghyuck, his judgemental looks. He can feel his blood boil, why did it even matter? It wasn’t even a big deal and he wasn’t even too sure why Donghyuck was bringing it up.

“Are you really fighting with me about something as trivial as who I’ve  _ liked _ ? Jeez Donghyuck I didn’t know you could be so petty.”   
“S’cuse me Mark? I’m not being petty, you’re just being a fucking brat.”

“What’s your problem?”

“My problem.  _ MY problem? _ Mark I’m not the one with a problem. You’ve been keeping secrets from me since day one, not trusting me since day two, while all I do is true to be a decent friend. We barely meet up and when we do you’re like this,”

“Like this?”   
“Yes! Yes like this Mark, you’re off in your own little world and you don’t care about anything anymore. You’re tired all the fucking time and I swear you’re paranoid about everything, even crossing the fucking road. I can’t stand it. All I know is that you’re not telling me everything. I’ve talked to Jaehyun and he’s noticed it too, he even asked Johnny if he had you working late but he says he’s even letting you take even more personal days,”

Mark opened his mouth to retort but no sound came out and Donghyuck’s glare said enough, he wasn’t to speak until he finished his rant.   
“I don’t care if it’s some kind of family stress, or friend stress, or work stress,  I don’t even fucking care if it’s dating stress but I’m supposed to be your best friend, you should be able to tell me. I don’t even care if you think I’m petty Mark, I could care less. All I’ve been trying to do is help you, and I’m sorry if you think me asking about your goddamn dating life is too much of a problem for you then fuck you. Call me if you want to actually talk about what’s been fucking wrong with you recently, because I’m tired of hanging out with someone who doesn’t give a shit about what I’m saying and who’s only half there when I need him.”

“Hyuck…..”

“Like I said, call me when you actually care.” He speeds up, dumping his cone into the garbage can and walking away from Mark, who briefly considers following him before deciding against it. He walks to the nearest bench leans back on it, closing his eyes slightly against the burning sun,  _ why can he never say the right thing? _

Mark stays on the bench and finishes his ice cream, sighing as he has to get up and through away the old wrapper. Deep down he knows Donghyuck’s right, but he’s not really sure what to do about it. He could tell him about the recurring dreams of a stranger who gets run over in the middle of the road that’s keeping him from sleeping, yet that would just make him crazy. He could tell him that he still cares, he could tell him he knows he’s a sorry excuse for a friend, he could tell him all of that and more, and yet every time he feels like he  _ should _ , he  _ can’t _ . Mark continues spinning these ideas in his head as a walks along a path in Central Park, hoping that like all of their previous fights Donghyuck comes around and he doesn’t lose his best friend. 

Of course now with the loss of Hyuck, Mark has nothing to do for the rest of the day and finds himself at a complete loss of what to do. He ends up leaving the park, as much as he loved to breathe in the fresh midday air he can't sit still. He starts aimlessly walking along the bustling streets of New York City until he finds a Starbucks on the corner of the street he was on. As he walks in he realizes that he's never been to this one, normally he frequents the one by his apartment or by where he works. He doesn't truly care but the different layout still throws him off as he waits in line. He orders an Iced Americano and one of Starbucks’ small chicken sandwiches. Mark hates that he has nothing better to do with his life than eating a crappy sandwich from starbucks on a Monday at noon. His life has gotten more monotonous every day, despite his intents to make it the opposite. Luckily for him this makes him want to hate himself more, which leads the Mark’s main source of inspiration, his own sorrow. He has so much pent up pain that he hates being like this, alone in a see of strangers because it heightens the reality of his life in which he truly feels alone, despite the fact he has all of these people surrounding him. Worst of all, he has no outlet for it in the middle of the city, instead of alone in his room.

 

He sighs impatiently and mutters under his breath as he taps his foot, waiting for his order to be done. He considers for a moment whether to take it to go or stay there, but when he realizes he has nothing better to do and despite everything, doesn’t want to stay in empty apartment, the choice is clear. So he takes a seat in the corner facing out to the rest of the café. It's a pretty good seat, he can see everything and everyone in Starbucks and a large window to his right gives him a perfect view of the busy street outside. Mark takes a small bite of his sandwich and lightly taps along to the song playing in the small café. His thoughts buzz around lazily in his head but he doesn’t really focus on anything specific. His whole body feels empty, but not in a good way. He feels antsy, although he’s anxious but there really isn’t anything he should be worried about (besides his fight with Donghyuck of course). 

 

Before Mark realizes it he finished his sandwich, and again his thoughts remind him that he hates days like this. Day’s where Johnny cancelled work so he has nothing to do. Unlike a lot of people Mark loves his job, it’s basically his dream job and he could never be happier doing it. Besides, he had nothing better to do with his time, although he really wishes he did. He takes his phone out once he’s done with his sandwich and just aimlessly scrolls through twitter and instagram, catching up on the latest news of his company and checking with the progress of his distant friend’s lives. More bells on the door announce more people walking in, and Mark looks up from his phone for a split second as his gaze locks onto the back of  _ his strangers head. _

 

Mark blinks in confusion before quickly snapping his face back behind his phone, hoping the stranger doesn’t turn around and recognize him. Mark notices that he’s not waiting in line alone, there’s a tall man standing next to him, who’s whispering about something in his ear. Mark watches from his position in the corner as the stranger and his friend lean over the counter and order something. He has a light smile on his face and his cheeks are tinted the slightest bit pink. The two of them seem to be close, Mark notes. They are deep in some sort of conversation, and the tall one is animatedly moving his lips. As Mark strains his ears over the music he notices something weird, the tall one is most definitely not speaking English or for that matter, Korean. The tall one goes up to the counter to grab his drink and as he does he turns just slightly in the direction of where Mark’s sitting down “enjoying” his time. Mark snaps his head back down to his phone yet again and prays that he didn't see him staring at the two of them. 

 

They eventually move on and sit on the bar-like counter on the other side of Starbucks, facing the other side of windows back towards Central Park, the way Mark came. He can't find it in him to relax because  _ oh my god the strangers right there _ and part of him wants to run as fast as he can out of the place, but he can't bring himself to do that either. He just sits and stares, he doesn’t mean to seem creepy but he couldn’t physically look away. He was just such an anomaly,  _ his stranger,  _ someone who’s not supposed to exist in real life, just someone Mark sees in his dreams, he’s seen him  _ twice  _ in one day. He guesses that the bottom line is that he can’t bring himself to believe that he isn’t totally deranged, nobody’s dreams come true and besides Mark’s dreams about the stranger aren’t even nice ones. 

 

Mark grabs his americano to take another sip but it’s empty, he finished it. He resists the urge to bang his head on the table. If he goes up to order something more the stranger will probably notice him, but if he just sits still then that’s definitely borderline stalking. Mark runs his palms over his thighs anxiously as he tries to tell if he’s just overthinking everything or if he really needs to go up and do something. He takes three deeps breaths and scoots his chair back just far enough so he can stand up and grips his empty cup tightly. He slowly shuffles towards the other side of Starbucks, dropping the empty cup into the trash. Just as he starts to really get close enough Mark realizes that he’s well,  _ a fucking coward _ , and books it into the bathroom instead.

 

As he’s washing his hands a figure pushes open the door, the strangers tall blond friend walks in and Mark tries his best to show a small smile in greeting, and slides by him outside, only to be meet by the face of the stranger himself. He’s leaning against the wall directly in front of the restroom, undoubtedly waiting for his friend to come out of the bathroom. His face morphs into a polite smile for a split second before his eyes narrow.

 

“Mark?”


	3. coffee conversations

**_“I want to breathe, I hate this night_ **

**_I want to wake up, I hate this dream_ **

**_I’m trapped inside of myself and I’m dead_ **

**_Don’t wanna be lonely_ **

**_Just wanna be yours”_ **

 

“Oh h-hey…..” Mark stutters, internally groaning   _gain_ at the stupid habit.

“From the subway right?”  
“Yeah that’s right,”  Mark responds and his mind races to find something else to say before it skreets to a halt- “I don’t think I ever got your name…”  
The stranger smiles softly and Mark’s overjoyed to realize he has one of those cute boxy smiles, and his cheeks are plump and seem to grow as he smiles.  
“It’s Taeyong.”

“Ok...Taeyong.”

Mark’s head was spinning, he hated himself for being this awkward but he can’t help it. It’s not his fault he can’t be as social as anyone else, he just can’t.

“You left without saying goodbye.” _His stranger_  Taeyong says , his smile turning into the cutest pout Mark’s ever seen.

“Sorry– I was in a rush.” Mark can feel the blush heating up his face as he tries desperately to control his speeding heart, but to no avail.

“Oh? Where were you going?”

“I had to meet a friend...I was already late so..yeah.” Taeyong nods in understanding and it hits Mark that they’re gonna have to seperate at some point, they can’t keep talking in Starbucks forever. He doesn’t quite understand the emotion that flares up upon realizing this.

“Do you have anywhere to be now?”

“Hmm?” The question throws Mark off, was he insinuating that he wants to spend the day with him? Are they gonna hang out together? Or is he just overthinking it? The idea of it makes Mark’s heart pick up it’s already fast pace and he can feel himself freaking out internally, not knowing how to answer the question because he doesn’t want to hang out with Taeyong, but on the other hand he really really _needs_ to.

 

“I mean if you don’t it’s fine, I was just hoping you wouldn’t have to run out of here like last time–”

Mark lets out a soft chuckle, “No, no. I’m not gonna run out anytime soon.”

“Good,” Taeyong grins, “I’d like to get to know you better anyway.”

Mark makes what he hopes looks like a smile while inside he is trying to calm the rising panic threatening to overload him. Mark opts for a nod, not trusting himself to speak because of that darn inconvenient stutter.

 

“If you want we can sit down, I was gonna leave because my friend has to go to work...but we can stay here instead!”

 

“Ok…” Mark trails off, following behind Taeyong to the little bar stools that him and his friend had sat at before. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that he probably shouldn’t be so trusting of someone he just met, but he ignores it. Even though he calls Taeyong a stranger...it doesn’t quite feel that way. They sit together for a little bit and Taeyong takes out his phone, Mark doesn't mean to be nosy but he can tell that he's texting someone.

 

He sets his phone face up on the table and turns towards Mark, who smiles weakly in response. He points over him to the menu hanging over the counter, “Do you want to order something?”

Mark considers this, just a few minutes ago he was planning on getting a refill of his Iced Americano but now…… _hmmmm…._

“Yeah sure.” He decides, still quite thirsty.

They stand up in line and chat for a little, nothing too significant, just light small talk. It starts to get a little less crowded as the brunch rush hour starts to dissipate, and since the sun is hanging halfway up the sky there's a beautiful ray of light filtering through the window. He can tell Taeyong looks pretty tired, as the light accentuates his eye-bags. He guesses that makes sense, it is a Monday morning after all.

 

“Shouldn't you be working by now? It is a normal work day-” Taeyong says as they make their way back to their seats, the lo fi music and rustling of coffee pots providing a delicate yet cozy backdrop to their conversation.

“Oh yeah but my boss cancelled it this morning though.” Mark responds candidly.

“Your boss can do that?”

“Yeah the hours are really flexible.”

“Really? That's cool, where do you work?”

Mark throws him a smile and opens his mouth to respond but before any words can come out a hand is placed on Taeyong's shoulder.

“Hey Tae who’s your friend?”

“Oh Yuta I thought you left already… Yuta this is Mark, Mark–Yuta.” Mark smiles politely at him and he returns it.

“Hiya Mark I’m Yuta!” He says enthusiastically to Mark’s surprise.

“Hi–” Mark mumbles in response.

 

“Anyway I should get going, you staying here?” Yuta turns to Taeyong, his hand still resting on his shoulder. Mark can’t help but wonder if there’s anything going on between them or if he’s just reading it wrong.

 

“Yeah I'm gonna stay with Mark for a bit.” Taeyong replies, to which Mark cracks a little smile to. He angles his head up towards Yuta, who gives Taeyong a weird look and raises an eyebrow. Mark decides to ignore it.

“Alright then–さようなら....ラブラブだね” (Goodbye…|slang for?|: love-bird).

Taeyong throws him a nasty look at the comment which Mark tries his best not to laugh at. Mark took Japanese in high school, and although he could understand part of what Yuta was saying, it was obviously slang. Since Mark’s never actually been to Japan, he wouldn’t know. Yuta rolls his eyes at Taeyong and leaves, letting Mark and Taeyong to return to their conversation.

“Sorry about him…” Taeyong says, shyly looking down at his coffee, held firmly between his two palms.

“Ah no it’s fine.”

 

“Right so….what were we talking about?”

Mark giggles at his brief lack of memory and answers, “You were asking me where I work.”

“Ah right- where do you work?”

“I’m an assistant music producer at Sooman Music-” Mark starts before getting cut off-

“Wait are you serious?!”

“Yeah….”

“Like SOM? Like…. the ones that manage EXO? SHINee? That Sooman Music?”

 _Not one of these..._ Mark really hopes he’s not some crazy fan, he doesn’t know if he can handle a million questions about the idols, he doesn’t really know any of them on a personal level anyway, there’s only a few that he’s _actually_ close to.

“Yeah….that SOM.”

“Aish...that’s so cool, do you actually get to meet them? The idols and stuff I mean...”

“Sometimes, if they’re recording something. Usually I’m left with small lyric stuff and backtracks so I have to be on duty even if it means I don’t really get to work on something.”

“So you’ve written some lyrics for like…..famous groups?”

“Well yeah…”

“Like what?”

“Well..uhm one of my favorites was Without You for D&T*– that was actually the first, and only project so far, that I’ve been lead on so...”

“So you’ve worked with them a lot….you guys are like….friends?”

“Yeah, I would say that.”

“Ah that’s so cool, your job must be so fun.”

Mark genuinely smiles, “It is, I love it so much.”

“That’s good, it seems like not a lot of people actually like their jobs.” Taeyong comments, returning Mark’s smile.

“What about you Taeyong-ssi? You like where you work?”

 

“God no.” He responds, to which Mark frowns. He actually looks downcast and Mark becomes conflicted, they don’t know each other well enough for him to delve into it, but he’s a naturally nosy person.

“Why not?” Mark asks tentatively, not sure exactly if it’s a touchy subject or not.

“It’s just not something I ever really wanted to do, I’ve wanted to be an artist since I was a kid but not all dreams come true I guess….”

“I’m sorry, that sucks.” Mark says pathetically, he’s never been good with other people's emotions, especially not negative ones but he hopes that comes off as genuine, because to him it is.

“Yeah my hours are awful too, I have a night shift.”

“Ouch that’s awful, shouldn’t you be sleeping right now then?”

Taeyong shakes his head, “No I don’t have to work tonight, besides I can’t really sleep during the day.”

“That must be hard.” Mark comments, swerving to redirect the conversation since he really can’t deal with personal stuff, especially with someone he’s just met.

Mark breathes in another whiff of fresh air as he slowly trods back to his shared apartment. Overall he was happy, he knows Taeyong’s name, he knows he likes his coffee sweet, he knows he a soft spot for animals, he knows so much about his stranger– but something’s off. He has a sense of dread that feels as though it’s slowly creeping up on him, ready to strike. The dream he had slowly meanders it’s way back to the foreground of his mind. Ever since he saw Taeyong on the subway that morning, ever since he realized the man in his dreams was a living breathing human and not a figment of his imagination, his world has been spinning, however slowly, out of control. His mind shifts again to how nice talking to him felt, he learned a bunch of small nuances about him, like how his favorite chocolate is dark chocolate, he needs glasses but prefers not to use them, he loves to doodle….and _so much more_ . Mark’s mind flashes back to the small smiles in Starbucks and the giggles shared on the subway and he knows that those images will be ingrained in his brain, he’ll never forget him. **Never** . The sounds of the city, the rustling of those walking around him, the honking of the cars, seem to fade around him as his mind focuses on one thing and one thing only– Taeyong.  
_“Taeyong…”_ Mark whispers to himself, wrapping his jacket tighter around himself against a rush of cold wind. _“Sounds nice…”_

The second he walks into his apartment he throws his shoes off, hanging up his jacket shortly thereafter. He sighs momentarily at the nice warm temperature before practically jumping on the living room couch. He turns the TV on to something random and goes onto his phone, scrolling through his contacts to the newest edition

 

_Taeyong-ie_

 

Marks taps the name and is brought to an empty message screen-

_Hey Taeyong it was nice meeting you today_

_Hey Taeyong it was nice_

_Hey Taeyong_

_Hey_

 

Mark grips his phone tightly in his hand, _“what do I say?”_ he says outloud, to no one in particular.

He thinks back to their final moments before they parted—

 

_“Do you want my number?”_

_“Hmm?” Mark responds as he holds the door open for Taeyong to pass through._

_He giggles, “I asked you if you wanted my number.”_

_Mark holds his head up smartly, “That depends, do you want mine?”_

_Taeyong’s smile widens as they walk down the street together, “Definitely.”_

_Mark holds out his hand and Taeyong gives him his unlocked phone. Mark does the same, unlocking his phone and passing it to Taeyong as they stop for a moment. He inputs his contact, just a simple ‘Mark’ before looking up at what Taeyong was doing._

_“Are you taking a selfie on my phone right now?”_

_“Selfies Mark! Multiple selfies.” He responds cutely, morphing his lips into a little duck pout..._

_Mark laughs, “Why on earth are you doing that?”_

_“You need the perfect contact photo of course.”_

_Mark smiles and momentarily thinks about taking a picture himself, opening Taeyong’s camera app and looking at his reflection in it. Mark’s breath hitches as he realizes that he doesn’t have the self-confidence to take a picture of himself, he doesn’t look good, cute, pretty, or anything remotely close to any of that. Saving the contact without a photo, he turns the phone off watching as Taeyong finishes putting his contact together._

_“There you go-” He says and they trade phones again. Taeyong slips his into his jacket pocket and takes his earbuds out, plugging them in but not playing anything._

_“I should get going.”_

_Mark opens his mouth to responds but suddenly gets hit with an incredible sense of deja vu, he’s staring at the phone in his pocket. It’s that one, that phone, those earbuds, that jacket, the phone falls out of that jacket. That’s what kills him. That’s why he dies._

_“You shouldn’t keep your phone in your pocket like that. It might fall out.” Mark spurts out._

_Taeyong raises an eyebrow in momentary confusion before shrugging,_

_“It’s not that big of a deal, besides I still have the warranty for it.”_

_“Still…….” Mark mumbles more to himself at this point before Taeyong waves, “Bye Marky!”_

_“Bye Taeyong…”_

 

The contact picture that Taeyong chose is remarkably cute however, his grey hair accentuates his white jacket, and Mark simply adored how well his tye-dye pink tee suits him. But that still doesn’t help him come up with something to say; _“Don’t keep your phone in your pocket you might die?”_ Mark says again into the empty silence of the apartment. He blinks a couple times, realizing the gravity of what he says and tries shaking the thought out of his mind.

“I should really stop talking to myself, I must be going insane.”

 

He throws his phone onto the table in front of him, determined not to text first when suddenly it goes off-

 

_Eomma is calling….._

 

Mark groans, “I can't deal with this today.”

He sits up and the couch and stares at the screen, a second before it would stop ringing he slides the phone open,

“Hi ma…..”

“Boy. Where is it?”  
“What?”

“You're fathers been going out again I need more.”

“Eomma...I can't afford to give you anymore.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Ma….”

“What's the point of me raising you then? I worked so hard to provide for you and you were nothing but a misbehaving rotten child. I honestly can't believe this you lazy fucking excuse for a child! I'M YOUR MOM, I RAISED YOU WHEN YOUR FATHER WAS OUT SPENDING ALL OUR MONEY, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS PAY US BACK. I WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT YOU WHAT BEING A GOOD CHILD WAS BOY AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?”

“Eomma please calm down I-”

“Calm down? CALM DOWN? Oh boy if you were still living under my roof…there would be consequences. I can't believe this, it's not even my fault you know? It's your stupid father and his stupid gambling that's the issue here and what do you do? You take it out on your poor helpless mother. I'm the victim here, and what are you? Nothing. You are nothing. It’s your fault that this is how we are forced to live, all your fault. The least you could do is make up for it. I need more and that's final so you better fucking get it to me or I swear to god boy you will have no home to return to when your stupid _music_ thing comes crashing down.”

“Eomma please I only have some saved for rent I already sent you…..”

“BOY– this is your last warning. Don't push me, you should know by now what happens if you push me, I might be forced to take steps.”

“Ma–”

“Do I need to remind you boy?”

“No Eomma….”

“Good. I expect you to visit soon, bring it then in cash please.”

“ Ok Eom–”

_*BEEP*_

 

Mark throws his phone forcefully and brings the palms of his hands up to eyes, hoping to stay the tears that have already started running down his face. After a few minutes of just sitting there pathetically he finally gets up, grabbing his phone, and walks to his bedroom. He pulls all his financial information out of his desk and sits down, prepared to sit there for hours and shift through all his payments, hoping to rangle in at least another $200 out of his already small paycheck, a process that takes him late into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *D&T stands for Doyoung&Taeil who are in a group together under SOM
> 
> 5/19/19  
> Ok so I know this is really bad timing seeing as I have just uploaded the first 3 chapters but I won't be able to update this for at least a month because of a lot of school work I have. This just dampens my creativity in general and I'm having an awful case of writers block rn. I'm so sorry for this (especialy since the markyong tag is so dry) but I promise I'll start working on it again soon when school isn't dragging me down!
> 
> also! my twitter is @/imjustatypo


	4. texts and bars

**_“Tu m’as comme donné l’envie d’être moi_ **

**_Donné un sens à mes pourquoi_ **

**_Tu as tué la peur qui dormait là_ **

**_Qui dormait là dans mes bras”_ **

 

Mark awakes to the loud buzzing of his alarm, it's the fourth day in a row where he hasn’t had the dream again. The fourth day in a row where Taeyong hasn’t texted him. Mark tries to not let it bother him as he makes his breakfast, as he takes a shower, as he slips his shoes on and walks out the door. He checks his phone again as he locks the door behind him, but still no message. Sometimes in a rush he’d think that him meeting Taeyong was all some fluke, or worse a dream, but then he’d see the  _ Taeyong-ie  _ contact in his phone and he’d realize that yes, it was real. He still didn’t know whether or not he should text the contact or not...the thought had been flitting around his mind for days now, but he just couldn’t decide if he really should. Mark once again spins the idea around in his mind as he walks down to the subway on his way to work, checking his phone every few seconds– paranoid that he’s gonna be late even though so far he’s on time. As he glances around the subway he realizes he’s standing in the exact same place he was Monday morning, when he first saw Taeyong. Upon realization of this his gaze snaps to the seat Taeyong had taken that morning…and was both saddened and interested to find it completely empty. It was almost like the train was saving him a seat. Part of him wanted Taeyong to be there so badly, something about him made Mark want to grab hold of him and never let him go...while part of him was very scared that it was too late.  _ What if the dream already came true? What if that’s why he’s not texting? What if that’s why the dream hasn’t happened since we met… _

 

The subway car screeches to a halt before long, and people start to move all around him. Mark lets go of the yellow handle dangling from the ceiling and allows himself to be moved with the crowd out onto the platform, his thoughts not straying from that one seat…

 

Mark’s footsteps are mostly drowned out by the carpet of the office of the main SOM’s building. Apparently because of some hectic scheduling they were only able to squeeze him and Johnny in with D&T for about a half hour, and it has to be here instead of the studio so they can even get that amount of time. He shakes his head, Doyoung and Taeil have become his actual friends, especially more recently, and they barely ever get to see each other because of scheduling. Even then it’s only in the studio...forget about trying to meet up and hang out somewhere in public. Mark slides his security badge against the door to the meeting room and walks in, Johnny already waiting for him inside.

 

“Yo Mark! What’s up, how’s your Friday going so far?” He greets, Mark will honestly never get over Johnny’s enthusiasm especially late in the production of an album where they are both just dead inside.

 

“...ah it’s going bro.” Mark replies and swiftly drops into the chair next to Johnny. He sets his phone on the table and pulls his bag up onto it next, sliding his laptop out of it and setting himself in relative silence, Johnny doing the same thing next to him.

 

“So...D&T wants to have a new mini album out in about 3 months, Henry has already got their title track done and they’re almost done with a few others, but Doyoung and Taeil want a say in the last few tracks so Henry’s assigned us to do them.

 

“Ah okay I see, did they write something lyric wise, or just like a general gist?” Mark asks, pulling up some of his recent files on his computer and trying to decide if he should bother suggesting any of his projects, or just start something new with Johnny. His phone buzzes on the table and as peeks at it he realizes it’s Donghyuck, again. They talked a couple nights ago and Mark’s not sure what happened, but he’s pretty sure he somehow made their fight even worse.

 

“Have you and ‘hyuck still not made up?” Johnny asks noticing the same thing, Mark had a pretty long rant session with him last night which thankfully allowed him to cool off enough to respond somewhat civilly to Donghyuck.

 

“Yeah I don’t know what’s gotten into him recently man, like we have our fair share of arguments but this has to be the most petty, I really don’t get it at all. Like what’s his problem?” Mark answers honestly, some of his anger peeking out as he talks.

 

“Maybe there’s a bigger issue behind it or something? Maybe he’s just trying to look out for you or something…” Johnny supplies as Mark picks his phone up huffing at Donghyucks latest spew of messages.

 

_ Look Mark it’s less about that and more about how you’re just off lately _

_ Like we used to be best friends and I feel like that’s slipping now _

_ Honestly at this point I feel like me and  _ Jeno  _ get along better _

**Really? Jeno of all people**

**Lmao hyuck I never thought I’d see the day**

_ Ok maybe not that far… _

_ But still I just don’t like this _

**Then why are you dragging this out?**

**I hate fighting and conflict in general, you know this and it’s obviously**

**not helping this whole “we’re not best friends” thing**

_ YOU SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM! _

**What is the problem?**

_ You thinking there is no problem IS the problem Mark _

_ You won’t even acknowledge the fact that you’ve been distancing _

_ yourself from me _

 

“Ugh man I can not deal with this right now.” Mark groans refusing to answer it even though he knows Donghyuck’s right. He also knows Donghyuck won’t let it go, but he’d really rather not talk about it. Johnny spins in his chair and looks at Mark quizzically,

  
“You do realize he has a point though right?” Mark gives him a look and nods slowly, 

“I know he has a point, I just don’t want to talk and just won’t frickin accept that.” Mark groans frustratedly. Johnny opens his mouth, probably to bring up yet another reason why he should be more open about his issues with Donghyuck. He’s just never found it easy confiding in people, he counted on Donghyuck being that one friend who just didn’t  _ know, _ hell he even found it easier talking to his “boss” Johnny about his problems. Maybe he _should_  re-evaluate that, but it's just so much easier to let himself be like that. Thankfully, before Johnny can comment anymore on Mark’s personal life, Doyoung, Taeil, and their manager walk in to greet them. Mark snatches his phone one more time,

**Can we talk about this later?**

**I have to work**

_ Fine. _

 

Mark turns his focus to the conversation, Doyoung and Taeil described as fast as they could the feel they wanted for one of their songs to Johnny while Mark looked over their lyrics. The four of them functioned well as a team, and the manager was only really present to make sure Doyoung and Taeil weren’t late to their next schedule. 

 

“Ok I’m going to step out for a moment to make sure the driver’s here, you two should start preparing to leave.” the manager says abruptly cutting their conversation short and walking out the door. Doyoung and Taeil start to shuffle around and get ready to leave while Mark and Johnny sit their discussing musicality stuff. They booked the room for the whole morning, and are planning on reconvening at at the studio after their lunch break.

  
“Hey John I got a question for you,” Doyoung starts walking up from behind on the way out, “can you make the pronouns for the song less like...gender specific? Like make sure it’s a little bit more open? Not just the standard boy/girl stuff?”

 

Mark’s eyes widen a fraction upon hearing this,  _ is Doyoung-hyung gay? _

 

“I can try my best Doie, I gotchu.” Doyoung smiles briefly at him, “Thanks John!”

  
“No problem.”

 

“Bye Mark!” Doyoung calls as they both walk out, Taeil echoing him and saying goodbye to Johnny as well.

 

Once they leave and the door is firmly shut behind them Mark turns to Johnny,

 

“That went by quicker than I thought it would.” He mumbles.

 

“Yeah time really does fly…hey Donghyuck’s still texting you.” Johnny cuts in pointing to Marks phone that is still face up on the table.

  
_ I know you have to work but _

_ What do you mean by later? _

_ Because I don’t know how much “later” we can get _

**My lunch break?**

**How’s that?**

_ When? _

**Around 12:30**

**We can meet at the SOM café it’s on the first floor**

**and open to visitors**

_ Ok _

_ See you there _

 

“You’re gonna get that all sorted out right?”

 

“Yeah I might as well tell him about well...y’know. All the..parent shit..and all that.”

 

Johnny claps on the back, “There you go. Anyway, not that I don’t thoroughly enjoy your personal troubles, why don’t we get to work eh?”

 

Mark chuckles, “Sounds good to me.”

 

They work as efficiently as possible on the lyrics, trying to come up with lyrics for chunks of emptiness and working on chords and notes as well. As it nears 12 Mark’s phone buzzes once again but Mark doesn’t bother looking it, it’s most likely Donghyuck pestering him anyway.

 

About 10 minutes later it buzzes again and again Mark ignores it, only this time Johnny doesn’t.

 

“Heya Mark? Who’s  _ Tae-yong-ie? _ ” He asks saying the name the slowly. Mark chokes on the water he was drinking as he hears this and Johnny gives him one of his strangest looks to date.

 

“W-Wha–” He says as tries to breathe, his thoughts racing around his head because did Taeyong actually text him? Did he  _ really? _

 

Mark snatches his phone of the table and indeed, there they are.

 

_ 2 new messages from ‘Taeyong-ie’ _

 

Mark calms himself down from his choking fit as much as possible with Johnny’s help and unlocks his phone slowly, staring at the words on the screen for what feels like eternity.

 

_ Hey Mark, it’s me Taeyong. I know it’s been like...a week but _

_ I’ve been unexpectedly busy this last week so I’m sorry I _

_ haven’t contacted you sooner. Please don’t think I’m just like… _

_ ditching you or something, I’ve actually missed your company _

_ a lot. Our chat the other night was refreshing to say the  _

_ least and it was really nice meeting you. _

  
  


_ Do you want to meet up again soon? Only if you want to of  _

_ course...don’t feel pressured if you’d just rather never see _

_ me again. (although I really hope you do) _

 

Mark’s brain takes a while to process this information, should he be happy that Taeyong texted him? Mad that he took so long? Indifferent because it’s not like their friends or something? Should he say yes?  _ Does  _ he want to meet with Taeyong again? Taeyong wants to…

 

“Mark you good? Who’s Taeyong?”

 

“Uh… nobody important, let’s just get back to work.” Mark says pocketing his phone, trying to block out all his thoughts on Taeyong and just focus on what he’s supposed to be doing– writing lyrics.

  
  


Lunch breaks comes up much quicker than he thought it would, and Johnny leaves him alone in the building, waiting for Donghyuck to join him. He moises along slowly towards the café he promised to meet Donghyuck at. He orders a coffee and a small snack before finding a table at the corner to sit at. He “lightly” throws his phone on the table and opens his messages, staring at the ones Taeyong sent….

 

His thoughts are all messed up, and he just can’t seem to let that dream go. It’s killing him slowly, he doesn’t know what he should do. Does Taeyong die because of him? Was the dream some sort of warning? Or was it the opposite? By not meeting with Taeyong will that cement his death?  _ Or am I just thinking too much of it? It could mean nothing…it's not dreams come true. _

 

Mark sighs and picks up his phone, “ _ when it comes down to it, it’s just a dream”  _ He mumbles to himself as he chooses what he hopes is a normal response,

 

**Don’t worry about it Taeyong, I mean it’s not like I**

**contacted you either, so I guess we’re both at fault.**

**But I mean...I'd love to meet up again sometime soon**

**  
** **When are you free?**

 

Mark sends both messages holding his breath, before setting his phone back on the table. He stares at it, waiting for it to light up for what feels like forever before it finally does. In retrospect, he probably shouldn’t be  _ so  _ disappointed that it wasn’t Taeyong. In fact, it was Donghyuck, he should be happy.

 

_ Just got here, ordering now. _

_ I see you~ _

 

Mark looks up and sees Donghyuck wave at him from the front of the ordering line. Mark jerkily waves back and turns his attention back to his phone and frowns. He knows it’s only been a couple minutes and Taeyong hasn’t even seen it yet, but he’s itching for an answer. His staring session is interrupted by Donghyuck plopping down across from him, placing his own food down across from Mark’s.

 

“So...Mark how’s your day so far?” Donghyuck asks far too politely, and Mark’s sure that this is going to be a long ass lunch.

 

“It’s was fine...what did you want to talk about?” He gets straight to the point, sipping at his drink and watching Donghyuck taking a bite out of his sandwich. Mark leaves his untouched, he isn’t that hungry. 

 

“Well um..what do you want to say Mark? I know you know that I’m right….you don’t tell me shit. Never have, and I’m sick of it.”

 

Mark frowns, “you can’t force me to tell you something okay? Somethings are just  _ private _ .”

 

“And I get that, only not  _ everything  _ should be kept from your so-called ‘best friend’ it’s not like you could ever say something that could make me hate you or judge you.” Donghyuck says pointedly, and Mark can feel his frown deepen.

 

“Look Donghyuck, I don’t…my life isn’t like yours okay? Definitely not my past and well… you just wouldn’t understand what I’d tell you.”

 

“What the hell that does mean? Why bother assuming what I’d understand when you weren’t going to tell me in the first place? Who says I wouldn’t understand it?”

 

“Look Donghyuck it’s not like that it’s just–”

 

“No Mark, it is like that. Exactly like that.” Donghyuck retorts through a mouthful of sandwich and Mark can tell he’s getting more and more riled up.

 

“It’s not okay,” Mark whispers, trying to keep his anger at bay, “It’s really not. I like that we can hangout together without having to bring up all my stupid problems and I know you would bring it up all the time hyuck, which is precisely why I don’t tell you.”

 

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you think I’m that pushy and focus on the fact that you keep saying ‘it’ Mark, what exactly do you think I’m going to be so pushy about eh?”

 

Mark pauses and looks up at Donghyuck sighing, he really didn’t want to trouble Donghyuck with his own personal problems, he also doesn’t want Donghyuck troubling  _ him  _ with them either.

 

“Is it about your parents? Or has something to do with them…” Donghyuck whispers and Mark’s eyes widen.

 

“How do you know about that?” Mark asks surprised that Donghyuck evens knows what to ask about. Donghyuck tells him it’s because Jaehyun had hinted to it when he asked about Mark after their fight.

 

As they talk Mark tries his best to open up as much as possible about his terrible living situation. He told Donghyuck about his dad...how he’s a drunken mess of a man and how he’s been gambling away all their money since Mark was 5. He told Donghyuck about how he had to get a job before he even turned legal to have one and how his mother is a manipulative controlling freak who forces Mark to give them all of his money and then proceeds to call him a terrible and awful son.

 

He lets it all out, stopping for only a moment when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket…

 

Donghyuck was surprisingly understanding, and Mark feels guilty because he should’ve really given him more credit. He didn’t ask any penetrating questions he didn’t….he was just there for him.

 

Mark leaves the café feeling much better than when he left, despite the light red puffiness around his eyes. He decides to walk to the studio instead of taking the bus or the subway. His mind is still shuffled between the conversation he just had with Donghyuck and the notification his phone just got.  _ Just suck it up Mark, you’re not a coward _ he tells himself, so once he checks himself in he slides his phone out of his pocket;

 

_ I have second/third shift all this week and next except _

_ for today and tomorrow...so that’s not gonna work. _

_ Sorry man _

 

**I mean I can’t do tomorrow…**

 

_ Then would could always do tonight. _

_ I know I good bar, if that’s ok? _

 

**Sounds great :)**

 

Mark bites his lip as he hides in the corner of the lobby,  _ he’s seeing Taeyong tonight.  _ He really didn’t plan on it but oh well, it’s too late to change his mind now.

It seems like the day goes by agonizingly slowly. Johnny and him are cooped up inside of the studio for  _ hours,  _ just working on lyrics and rhythms and beats and chords and everything in between. He keeps glancing at the clock, anxious, waiting. Mark becomes increasingly unsure of why he actually agreed to hang out  _ tonight.  _ I mean it’s not like he had plans otherwise, but it was so last minute he can barely process that he has to actually “go out.” That’s why when the time comes for him to actually leave the studio, he has absolutely no idea what to do with himself. He still has a good hour before he has to be at the bar, but it wouldn’t quite make sense for him to go all the way back to his apartment either. After aimlessly strolling around for a bit he finally decides to just suck it up and starts heading towards the bar.

 

Mark tries his best to walk as slow possible so he can get there right at 8:00, but since the bar really isn’t that far that plan plan didn’t really work out too well. He gets the front of the bar at exactly 7:24, way too early for his liking. He opts to just hide in the shadows next the bar, taking in the bright neon sign exclaiming ‘127’ in a big red font. It’s a pretty popular bar if the amount of people in it is to go by. Mark’s not really a bar or clubbing type, so he’s never been to this one before. He remembers it opening however, Jaehyun’s girlfriend Yeri absolutely loves going to clubs and stuff so she had dragged Jaehyun out of the apartment to go with her. Mark’s always had the feeling that Jaehyun doesn’t really like it though, he’s more of a stay at home and Netflix and chill kinda guy.

 

Mark allows himself to just sit there until about 7:40, any later and he feels like too many people would think he’s a creep,  _ and twenty minutes isn’t too early,  _ he rationalizes.

 

In the reflection of the tinted window he straightens out his jacket and makes sure his hair isn’t a complete mess. Since he had a meeting today he actually wore a nice blazer and a turtleneck with a pair of dark black jeans, he just hopes Taeyong doesn’t think he’s dressed up too much. Mark squints into the bar after he’s done tidying himself up at survey’s a couple people sitting in there. He likes to people watch, it’s become a habit of his and sometimes when he’s stressed he creates really stupid stories for them to keep his mind off certain things.

 

Mark brought his hands up to block the glare from the now setting sun and to his surprise, the first thing he sees is Taeyong’s side profile. He’s sitting at the front of the bar on one of the elevated stools, mixing his drink with a thin stirring rod aimlessly. Mark doesn’t remember Taeyong ever walking in though, so he must’ve gotten there long before he did…

 

Mark shakes off whatever “jitters” he’s feeling and calmly walks into the bar, beelining for Taeyong as the complete and utter loudness of the music takes over his ears. He takes a small breath once he’s right behind Taeyong and lightly taps him on the shoulder,

  
“Hey Taeyong…” He says over the roar of the music. Taeyong smiles thinly in responds and starts grabbing onto the seat next to him, Mark takes it as a que to sit down.

 

The bartender is suddenly right in front of him before he can say hello to Taeyong, so he orders something quick before turning his attention to the other. As he looks at him he realizes that he has no idea what to say to Taeyong without sounding awkward, though Mark being Mark...he had to try anyway.

  
“So uhm….h-how was your day?” He asks, wincing at his own stupid awkwardness. The edges of Taeyong’s lip quirk up slightly at the comment however, so Mark hopes he’s at least not  _ too  _ offput at his awkwardness.

 

“It was fine Mark, just a bit stressful you know how it is…” Mark nods in understanding opening his mouth to comment, but Taeyong wasn’t done.

 

“Sorry for not uh..texting before by the way, it wasn’t really my intention to like ghost you or anything like that.”

 

“Ah no no it’s fine…” Mark returns, “b-but uh..if you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you text me? It has been like..over a week.”   
  
Taeyong smiles slightly at the question, but Mark notices that there’s no real humor in it, it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

  
“Would you like the truth Mark, or a well crafted lie?” He murmurs, still cracking a small smile.

 

Mark, in a vain attempt to lighten whatever mood has settled between them, decides to crack a small joke in the hopes that he’ll give him a real smile,

  
“Would be a shame to let you’re ‘crafting’ go to waste.” Mark jokes and to his surprise the older actually lets out a light chuckle. He turns to Mark and for the first time Mark actually sees his full face, his cheeks and neck are bright red, and he bets Taeyong is already a bit tipsy.

 

“Had a job opportunity, and interview really, in thailand and I don’t have international service so I couldn’t use my phone.”

 

Mark shakes his head and smiles, the bartender takes that moment to leave Mark’s drink on the counter and he murmurs a small thank you and takes a sip, feeling the burn of alcohol down his throat before turning back to Taeyong. 

  
“What was the job for?”

  
“Didn’t think that far ahead,” Mark snorts and takes another sip of his drink, still not taking his eyes off Taeyong, “Yeah that’s kinda a sucky excuse I would’ve seen right through you.” He responds, feeling a little bit more confident now that his drink is in his system.

 

“Oh you would’ve?” Taeyong laughs and Mark nods, smiling from ear to ear after finally feeling the awkwardness start to peeter out.

 

“Yes, I’d like to think I’m not  _ that  _ gullible.” Mark whines.

 

Taeyong just chuckles and they shift into a semi-comfortable silence. They both sit there, sipping on their drinks while Mark gets more and more restless.

 

“Then what’s the truth?” Mark whispers,

  
“Wha?” Taeyong responds, looking at Mark and straining his ears over the loud music.

 

“If that’s your lie, then what’s the truth?” Mark says loudly. Taeyong smiles sadly but responds nevertheless,

  
“I was in the hospital.”   
  


Mark blinks in surprise, he sure as hell wasn’t expecting that. “What– why?”

 

Taeyong chuckles again, “Just some minor health problems I promise you I’m fine now though.”

 

“You sure,” Mark asks, though he’s pretty sure that Taeyong’s lying. He’s good at reading people like that, but if Taeyong didn’t want to talk to him about he wasn’t gonna pry.

 

“Yeah.” He nods in understanding and goes back to his drink, switching the topic to stuff that’s a little more light hearted. That being said, the whole night Mark had this weird feeling in the back of his mind, but he couldn’t pinpoint it. He knew Taeyong was lying but they just met, he shouldn't even be upset about something that's not any of his business. But it did worry him, it worries him so much. He supposes it's all because of that stupid dream that he just can't seem to let go of, what if his trip to the hospital had something to with the dream? What if it was a warning?

 

_ Just shut up,  _ Mark thinks to himself,  _it's some wacko dream. It's not important._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I wouldn't be back until at least a month but this chapter was just sitting in my WIP folder so I just finished it up quickly so I could post it. Also! The lyrics at the beginning are from the french song J'ai cherché by Amir and the translation for them is:  
> /You gave me the need to be myself/  
> /Gave a sense to my why's/  
> /You killed the fear sleeping there/  
> /Sleeping there in my arms/
> 
> follow me on twitter!! @imjustatypo, I aslo have a curiouscat under the same @!!
> 
> (also thank you to everyone leaving kudos and commenting on this and my other markyong oneshot, it means so much to me and i love all you so much ahh!!)


	5. home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you've probably noticed but I changed the name of this fic from 'Street' to 'Whenever I wake up, I always look for you' because I thought it was more fitting and more meaningful also sorry i haven't posted more chapters i thought i could write a chapter every week but i was /really/ wrong about that. I'm planning on having about 20/25 chapters just letting u guys know.
> 
> anyways i have a few warnings for this chapter:  
> -language use  
> -physical abuse/child abuse  
> -some verbal abuse

**_“I feel tired tonight_ **

**_A word that you can’t forget in a breeze_ **

**_Sorry, for not turning back_ **

**_Sorry, for the selfish self of mine”_ **

 

Mark can feel the beginnings of a headache start to creep up on him as he leaves the bar, despite the fact he’s still drunk and not really hungover at all. He and Taeyong had parted ways about 5 minutes ago, after about 4 hours of not stop talking, dancing, and drinking. Taeyong surprised Mark, he never expected to be out so late tonight...he just expected a couple drinks then them leaving around 9 or 10. That certainly didn’t happen, he found that the more he drank the more he talked and the more he talked the more Taeyong seemed to listen. They danced, they talked, and overall Mark actually had a really fun time. It was the sorta time he rarely ever had anymore, he actually relaxed and hung out and just...lived. _It’s nice_ Mark thinks to himself as he continues to walk home, _being able to unwind with someone like Taeyong around._ Even when he finds himself staring at the familiar door to his apartment, his mind can’t shake the image of Taeyong dancing to Hwasa’s ‘ _Twit’_.

 

Mark turns the key at the door, fumbling a bit since he still had the six drinks from tonight in his system. He pushes the door open and stumbles a bit as he enters the apartment. He chucks the keys on the kitchen counter and pulls off his blazer, leaving it in a clump on the floor. He stumbles into the living before stopping, grabbing onto the wall to steady himself. The light’s on, meaning Jaehyun’s still awake. He creeps through the living room until he gets to the opposite wall and slowly moves the curtains that block the small balcony off the apartment. To his surprise, Jaehyun is in fact out there at 12 in the morning. Mark slides open the door but Jaehyun doesn’t twitch from where he stands, hunched over and gripping the rails of the balcony so hard his knuckles are white. It takes Mark five seconds to realise he’s crying.

 

Mark leaves the sliding door slightly open and moves towards the railing himself, holding onto the rail so he doesn’t fall over from his drunkenness.

 

“Did you just get home?” Jaehyun asks, his voice cracking as he sniffles.

 

“Yeah…” Mark responds and Jaehyun just nods, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

 

“A text would’ve been nice Mark...I-I was worried, you never go out.” He says lightly,

 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Mark slurs, stepping closer to Jaehyun “But uh...I don’t think that’s why you’re crying is it?”

  
“Nah..” Jaehyun trails off, holding his head up higher and looking into the cityscape. Mark can see the tear stains running down his face even more clearly from this angle, “Yeri...we uh got into a fight,” Jaehyun clears his throat and Mark slightly stumbles closer, not quite sure how to comfort his long time friend, “I think she’s cheating on me…”

 

“Geez that’s rough man” Mark slips out, his drunken self not really sure what to say,  and Jaehyun gives him a humorless chuckle in response,

 

“I’m not sure though, not yet anyway. It’s just...I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s like she doesn’t care at all… and Mark, I love her so much.” With that Jaehyun hangs his head and grips the bars even harder. Mark can hear him sobbing and steps closer, lightly patting his back since in his state it’s the only comforting thing he can think to do.

 

He’s not sure how long they stand like that, only that it’s been quite a while. Jaehyun raises his tear stained face for only a second before,

 

“Mark Lee are you drunk?”  


“Uh...yeah, think so.” he replies, to which Jaehyun just shakes his head. He finally disconnects himself from the bars and starts to lead Mark back inside, his cheeks still stained with tears.

 

“Let’s get you to bed then.”

* * *

_The hair’s still pink. It’s bright and vibrant and now that Mark recognizes the face he can’t bear to look away even for a moment. He’s rooted to the spot, he can’t walk, he can’t say anything, he can’t even twitch. This time it’s slightly different, the sky looks darker and there’s not as many people as usual. Mark watches as said man misses the walking signal, adjusting something on his phone. He doesn’t move as Taeyong looks up, straight into his eyes. The smile that breaks on the older faces lights up Marks world and the man starts jogging across the road, he seems eager to get to Mark...to hold him…._

 

_Mark can’t move, can’t close his eyes, can’t scream, can’t cry, can’t save him. A large black truck covers the pink hair and all Mark wants to do is step closer. He can only watch in silence as someone gets out of the truck and drags a body out from under it. His eyes are still open and Mark can feel his heart break watching as the truck driver so carelessly drags him on the rough road. His senses are filled with the frantic phone calls of people surrounding him, the honks of car horns, and the distant sirens…_

 

“Mark for the love of god wake the fuck up….”

 

Mark sits up slowly, this time he’s not jolted out of the dream. He catches Jaehyun’s concerned look out of the corner of his eye as he rubs at his eyes, carefully trying not to cry because of that dream..

 

 _Why is it back now?_ Mark wonders, holding his head in his hands as he starts to shake.

 

“Mark? Are you alright?” Jaehyun asks, his voice all muffly to Mark.

 

“Mhmm…” Mark responds, ignoring the comforting hand Jaehyun places on his shoulder.

 

“Just...not a good night..” 

 

Jaehyun nods in understanding, “I’ll grab you some Advil and I think there’s still some hangover soup in the fridge so you should have some of that before going out.”

 

“Going out?”

 

“Yeah don’t you remember, you told me you were going to visit your parents this weekend.”

 

Mark looks up at Jaehyun with so many emotions showing on his face there’s no way Jaehyun could have catalogued all of them.

 

“I... forgot….” Mark breathes out and Jaehyun gives him a small smile,

 

“I’ll leave the stuff on the counter for you… I should head off to work.”

  
“Okay” Mark whispers, swallowed up in his pounding headache that has only gotten exponentially worse at the mention of his parents. He huffs out a sigh and grabs one of his pillows under him, stuffing it on top of his face and groaning, hoping that his thoughts will slow down and his head will stop hurting.

 

He lays there for at least 10 good minutes before he hears the door to the shared apartment slam shut. Mark swings his feet over the side of his bed reluctantly and pads into the kitchen. Jaehyun, true to his word, left him some Advil, a glass of water, and a small container of soup. He slowly and lifelessly brings the soup over to the microwave to heat it up.

 

Mark eats slowly, like he’s hoping the slower he goes the later he will have to leave, his head still pounding even with the help of the soup and medicine. He leans back on his chair and sighs, slowly rising to his feet once he’s done. His legs feel heavy as he rifles through a pile of clothes to find a pair of black jeans and a simple shirt. He slowly walks to the bathroom and turns on the showerhead, watching the burning hot water fall and reaching out his hand to feel it slightly burn at the temperature. He steps into the shower sluggishly and lets his head fall back on the tile wall, he closes his eyes and wonders what it would feel like to just drown in this water… just give up and fall back and let his mouth go slack and just… end. He takes a deep shaky breath and opens his eyes, surrounded by the stark white of his bathroom. A jolt runs through him as he thinks of how similar it is to a hospital. He shivers at the thought despite the burning hot water pouring over his shoulders. Suppressed memories of hospitals and beeping and the bright lights and loud sounds all come pouring into his thoughts and he grips onto the shower curtain so he doesn’t fall over. Looking down at his free hand he finds it’s shaking and he tries to take a couple hiccuping breaths to calm himself down.

  


_1...2...3...4..._

 

“Ah screw it….” Mark’s gives up and pushes the memories down as far as he can, ignoring the way his eyes sting and how his hand is still shaking. He grabs the bottle of shampoo (he would never use that awful 2-in-1 stuff) and takes as deep breaths as he can manage,

 

“Just make it through this day Mark Lee.”

Mark is careful to blow dry his hair well so it looks soft and healthy, he’s careful to make sure his light blue shirt doesn’t have any wrinkles, he’s careful that a small envelope of  about $150 is safely secured in his jacket pocket. He slips his wallet into his back jean pocket and steps out of his apartment with dread. The walk to the train station however is more brisk, it’s a bit chilly out and it seems as if the wind itself is rushing him. Once he gets to the station he hops onto the train and gets ready for the longest hour and a half of his life. Every time he takes this journey he always gets the same feeling, the feeling of overwhelming dread that threatens to overwhelm him every second he’s still breathing. All of the nice memories from the night before seemed to vanish, every other worry and every other thought just blend into a slight headache, although that could also just be the hangover.

 

When there’s only about a half hour left to his ride he takes his phone out and scrolls down in his messages until he finds his fathers contact, 

 

_Tell mom I’ll be there in about an hour_

 

He presses send and doesn’t bother looking at it for the rest of the trip, he knows he’s not going to get a response. He watches the blurry hills and buildings go by while trying not to think of all that could go wrong on this particular visit. Most visits go badly, but at least those other times he’d have enough money to keep his mother at bay. Between her… problems with him and his father’s gambling issues, Mark tends not to enjoy talking to either of them all too much. 

 

He fiddles with the sleeves of his jacket once he gets out of the train car, nerves finally kicking in full force as he walks along the familiar paved sidewalks of Newburgh, where he grew up. It’s all so familiar, he walks this same path at least twice a month and every time he does he wishes he wasn’t.

 

It’s a nice 10 minute walk, and if he wasn’t feeling like he was about to go to his doom he might have appreciated the scenery, maybe he even would’ve found some song inspiration. Sadly his mind was really only taken up by thoughts of how to get out of that house as soon as possible. He checked the return train times before he left, and the earliest was at 2:45, maybe he’d be able to catch. Once he turns onto his old familiar street he looks down at his watch, it’s 12:24, he should be able to call it early even though his parents would most likely want him to stay until at least 5 to 7pm (which is definitely not going to happen).

 

Mark takes the envelope with the money in it and grips it closer to himself the closer he gets to his childhood home. He walks up the stone stairs and rifles through his pocket, grabbing the spare key and slowly reaching up to the door. He opens the door as quietly as possible and the second he does he greeted by the sound of the TV. He figures it’s probably his father so he sneaks right passed the door to the living room and sets the envelope full of cash on the kitchen table.

 

“Eomma? I’m here.” Mark shouts as he screws up his face, it smells weird in the kitchen and Mark really isn’t enjoying the scent. He decides to take a seat at the kitchen, the same spot he’d been sitting at since he was a boy. Everytime he comes here it’s a mental exercise, how long will he last without thinking about some awful childhood memory? He doesn’t get to have these thoughts for long as not even a few seconds later his mom enters the room.

 

“Mark. Thought I heard you come in.”

 

“Yeah I just–”

 

“You were supposed to be here earlier,” She goes on, completely ignoring Mark which has been her hobby even when Mark was younger.

 

He opts to go with the ‘not my fault’ line of approach even though he knows he’s in fact, early, “Yeah the train ran late.”

 

“Hmm.” The woman responds and bends over, taking something disgustingly brown and gooey out of the oven, “I made some Ham mac & cheese, do you want some?”

 

Mark considers this carefully, as a kid he’d always take this option to eat because although it was a disgusting attempt at cooking it was usually the only time he’d be allowed to eat. He also would definitely not want the consequences of denying. That being said, he’s an adult now so there’s not really much she can do. 

 

“I ate before I came.” Mark says cooly, which isn’t even technically a lie.

 

“Fine.” She slams the pan down on the counter, making Mark jump in his seat, “More for your father and I then.” 

 

She yanks off her oven mitts and paws at the envelope Mark left sitting on the counter, she opens and Mark watches her, tensed, as she counts through the money, “Only 150?” 

 

“That’s all I had ma…I had to pay rent.” He replies, his voice small even to him.

 

“What about all the rent we had to pay, huh?” Mark doesn’t need to turn around to know who the newcomer is. His father smells heavily of alcohol, which isn’t really surprising considering the kind of person he is and the fact that he has to live alone with his mother.

 

“We paid for _everything,_ child support isn’t that cheap– you’ll learn that when you have a kid. I hope he’s just as much of a brat as you are. Honestly Mark, it’s your fault we’re broke so just step it up and pay.” He drones on, Mark really starting to tune it out as he’s heard this rant about how terrible of a child he is many times. The only thing that snaps him out of it is when his mother all the sudden lunges towards him. Subconsciously he knows she’s just reaching for something or other but the rest of his mind doesn’t even process this.

 

tw//physical abuse

He feels like a child again, he can almost picture himself cowering in fear in this very seat. His mother bearing down on him and his father basically hiding in the living room like the coward he is. He remembers the day his 11 year old self came home with a permission slip for a field trip, only it was a nice overnight trip. The issue was that it cost money. His mother was so angry with him for just suggesting it so she threw him on the ground and hit his head with her heels. She threw him in his room and locked him in it overnight with no food or water or anything. When she came in the next morning she had a belt in her hand and didn’t stop hitting him with it until he was out of the house. He didn’t get to go on the field trip, he ended up spending that thursday and friday in school sitting in an empty classroom with a teacher only checking in on him every few hours. He remembers wishing for those times when he’d go back home, his father would taunt him over it and his mother refused to feed him for days, he had to find scraps in the fridge or one night even leftover meat from the trash.

 

Mark doesn’t even notice that he’s hyperventilating until his dad roughly slaps his back, “What kind of fucking son are you?” His blurry vision catches him stalking away from the kitchen as he struggles to breath, the room spins as more and more memories from it start flooding his mind.

 

“When can you get me more money, huh boy?” Mark stutters and his mother scowls, roughly reaching out and slapping him, “C’mon you’re not some pathetic boy anymore, shut up and give me the fucking–”

 

Mark stands up, he can’t take it anymore. He starts backing up against his angry mother who can’t seem to stop shouting at him.

 

“If you were still under my roof boy–”

 

Mark doesn’t bother listening, he can feel a rising panic attack and runs out of his old home. He runs and runs and _runs_ and only stops when his muscle memory leaves him in a familiar childhood park. He squats down along the secluded edge of it and covers his ears with his hands, trying to block out the distant sounds of school children playing on the playground. His breathing is hard and ragged but he can’t help it, he just tries breathing in and out but it’s hard, it’s so _hard._

 

_Why does everything have to be so hard?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there's not a lot of markyong in this chapter, i kinda wanted to expand on mark's background a little bit more. i actually don't really like this chapter, i feel like there's just something missing or like... idk i just feel like i didn't really embody what i wanted to so i might go back at a later date and edit this chapter a bit...
> 
> anygays i promise there'll be more markyong next chapter hehe >.<  
> (7/9/19)
> 
> also here's my twitter: https://twitter.com/imjustatypo (my cc is linked on my profile btw)  
>  \- i do au's there, currently have a nohyuck and dojae   
>  -also planning a markyong au there ;)


	6. late nights and long walks

**_“Those hardest to love need it most_ **

**_I watched our bodies turn to ghosts_ **

**_Such good friends, it has to end it always does_ **

**_That's the way life is_ **

**_Do we take that risk?”_ **

 

It’s been 2 days since Mark visited his parents, but he still can’t seem to shake the visit out of his head. He’s heard nothing from them, no text, no call, nothing. He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or terrified. The dream’s back in full force, haunting him throughout the weekend. Now with no work and a suspiciously absent Jaehyun it’s all he has to think about. He has no distraction, nothing to focus his mind elsewhere. He gets up early on Monday and decides to have a run around his neighborhood, something he used to do a lot but now rarely has time for. He has contacted Taeyong in days now that he thinks about it, but he can’t. For some reason he can’t shed the idea that what happens in his dream is somehow his fault, how can it not be? Everytime he goes to text Taeyong the only thing that comes to mind is the image of his deep brown eyes going dull and it stings. Mark doesn’t get why it hurts this much, they’re practically strangers but… he cares. He cares more for Taeyong than he does for his own damn  _ family _ . But maybe that’s just because he has to spend every night reliving the death of that person that he cares about, maybe that’s the point. Maybe one morning he’ll realize that Taeyong’s too important, that he better cut it off before it gets too deep. Before someone gets hurt.

 

“But this is not that morning.” Mark says to himself, throwing on a plaid shirt over his plain white t-shirt.

 

“What was that Mark?” Jaehyun calls from outside his door, he called in “sick” today for “reasons” but Mark’s not complaining, he can’t cook for shit but Jaehyun’s food is always delicious.

 

“Nothing, just talking to myself!” He yells back. He ruffles his freshly blow dried hair to make sure he doesn’t look messy and finally exits his bedroom.

 

“You’ve been talking to yourself a lot, sure you’re not going crazy?” Jaehyun asks smirking as Mark closes his bedroom door behind him.

 

“No, I’m not.” Mark says in chest, to which Jaehyun responds with a little chuckle. The comment is a bit too close to his heart for Mark’s liking but he ignores the sinking feeling in his gut in favor for Jaehyun’s delicious French Toast.

 

“Oh my gosh, this looks so good!” Mark exclaims, taking some orange juice and practically gulping it down. Jaehyun’s made a full american style breakfast for the two of them, there’s bacon, eggs, and Mark’s favorite: french toast. It isn’t just french toast though, Jaehyun’s melted some berries over it and it looks absolutely  _ delicious _ .

 

Mark doesn’t hesitate and grabs a plate for himself, laying it down right next to Jaehyun,

 

“Whenever you’re ready Jaehyun-ssi~” He coos and Jaehyun wacks him on the leg,

 

“Shut it Markles or I’m not letting anywhere near the french toast.” Mark pouts and Jaehyun just cracks up. Mark winks and reaches around his, grabbing the tongs and loading up his plate with bacon.   
  
“If you take all of that I will not hesitate to hurt you.” Jaehyun says from next to him, pointing the spatula he’s using to cooking the eggs right in Mark’s face.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” He responds playfully, grabbing a seat at their little “breakfast bar” in the kitchen and digging into the bacon. Before long Mark’s plate is entirely loaded up with bacon, eggs,  _ and  _ french toast. It tastes like heaven.

 

Although at this point Mark would love nothing more than staying home and savoring every last bite of breakfast, but sadly he has a job he loves and is saving his sick days for when he’s  _ actually  _ sick.

 

“Have fun in here all alone Jaehyun!” Mark calls and he puts his shoes on and opens the door.

 

“Trust me, I will!” Jaehyun yells back over the sound of running water from the kitchen where he’s washing the dishes leftover from breakfast. Mark rolls his eyes at him and steps outside the threshold of their apartment.

 

“You got this Mark.” He whispers to himself, patting the side of his jeans,

 

“Oh fu–” Mark turns right around and knocks on the door, “Jaehyun? Let me in I left my keys inside…”

 

* * *

 

 

Mark surprises himself with how paranoid he truly has become. He used to love walking and exploring, but now even walking to his usual subway stop is giving him major anxiety. Those dreams, the ones that always used to be a little blurry and hard to remember, have become increasingly more vivid and with that, even more traumatizing. Every time he looks up from the sidewalk a sense of fear grips him, he can’t bear to look across the bustling New York City streets even for a moment. Crossing the roads, something he’s always been a little bit paranoid about, has become almost impossible for him. Everytime he gets halfway across the street he has to forcefully push down the mental image of bubblegum pink hair stained with blood on the black pavement. Needless to say, by the time he gets to work he’s already incredibly stressed already.

Johnny raises an eyebrow at him the second he walks in the room. Mark knows he’s quite literally shaking, but he can’t bring himself to really care.

“Is it cold out?” Johnny asks and Mark nods, which just makes Johnny even more suspicious– it’s actually quite warm out.

“You good there Mark?” Johnny asks in response, obviously not buying any sort of excuses. Therefore, Mark doesn’t bother responding and just nods again. He knows for a fact that if he opens his mouth to speak his stuttering is gonna start and that’s the last thing he wants to deal with right now. Mark feels like he and Johnny have gotten to know each other quite well since they’ve been working together, and as such by this point Johnny thankfully knows not to pry.

They set to work at a pace that’s actually rather productive for them, something which is probably due to the pressure of D&T’s new comeback. They have a “deadline” for this one because apparently the administration couldn’t decide which producing team to use until the comeback was barely a month away. At least they don’t have to work on the actual title track, with this much time  _ that  _ would truly be a nightmare.

Mark spends most of the rest of the day like this. He squashes down any fleeting anxious thoughts and focuses his mind completely on the music. It’s something Mark wholeheartedly enjoys doing, he just wishes this industry wasn’t so stressful all the time. He lets everything else wash away, he squashes down the thoughts of Taeyong, the thoughts of his parents, everything. It’s probably not the most healthy coping mechanism, but at least it works.

After they have lunch Mark starts to feel a little bit more relaxed. He makes small talk with Johnny and finds himself letting out a laugh or two, however strained they are. Somehow the topic turns to Jaehyun but Mark doesn’t really mind, it’s better than talking about him.

“He really took a day off? That workaholic?” Mark laughs and nods,

“Things are pretty tense between him and Yeri, I don’t know if they’re gonna work out.” Mark says offhandedly and the conversation dulls. Johnny seems to be deep in thought so instead of trying to find another thing to say Mark just lets it lie. 

“Would he want to go for a drink then?” Johnny says randomly about an hour later. Mark looks up from what he was doing and glances at Johnny, “I don’t, maybe? Why are you asking me?”

“Well how ‘bout you, me, Jaehyun and maybe Doyoung and Taeil go out for a drink? I know of a pretty nice bar downtown. I mean… I bet Jaehyun wants something to take his mind off Yeri.” Mark leans back in his chair and slowly considers what staying out to what will probably end up being one or two in the morning will actual entail for his mental health before–

_ Screw it _

“What the hell, let’s do it!” Mark responds and Johnny actually smirks,

“I’ll text them.”

 

* * *

 

 

Mark’s bad mood takes a back burner as he hops into Johnny’s car. They’re on their way to pick up Jaehyun, with Mark calling shotgun and Doyoung and Taeil riding in the back. Johnny gives him free reign over the songs and Mark can’t help but put on his favorite radio station. They listen to  _ Fools  _ by _ Lauren Aquilina _ until they got stuck in traffic, listening to some random girl on the radio making comments on the song until they get moving again.

_ “Now playing we have… Paranoid by Lauv, I love this song so much!”  _

Mark rolls his eyes, of course she loves the song– she’s the one playing it. He leans his head against the car window when the song starts, finding through his slight annoyance that he quite likes the song himself.

_ Smile when you're sleeping _

_ Wonder who you're dreaming of _

_ Oh, 'cause I could just see you with wine on your t-shirt _

_ And somebody else on your arm _

Mark watches the lights of the building blur as they drive by, his smile is strained but his head is completely focused on the song as if it’s floating through his head.

_ Maybe it's a case of paranoia _

_ Nervous that I'll never really know ya _

_ What do I feel? Who do I trust? _

Johnny says something but Mark doesn’t pay attention. In his heart he knows this song isn’t really reflexive of his situation, but he almost has to laugh at how his thoughts pick out those parts that are _. _

_ Maybe it's real, or maybe I'm just _

_ Paranoid _

_ Paranoid _

The chorus picks up and Mark bobs his leg along with the beat. Before he really has time to process Johnny makes a motion next to him and he turns his head.

“Mark, this is you right?” He asks. Mark looks up and nods, his apartment building is only a few feet in front of them. He fumbles with his phone before shooting off a text to Jaehyun telling him that they’ve pulled up. Mark sits in his seat and plays on his phone, oblivious to whatever conversation was going on around him. The opening of the car door shocks him out of it and he looks up to smile and greet Jaehyun as he squishes into the back seat.

“Why does Mark get the front seat, he’s literally the smallest.” Jaehyun greets jokingly, Mark rolls his eyes but doesn’t respond. He almost feels like he’s forgotten how to well… hold a conversation.

He doesn’t talk again for the whole drive, he only sinks further into his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

 

Mark doesn’t consider himself an excessive drinker. He doesn’t usually find himself in bars or at raves or really… anything.  Sure he went to a few parties in college and subsequently visited a couple bars since then, but he doesn’t really consider that “bar hopping.” That’s why when Mark first walks through the doors to the Cherry Bomb Bar at the corner of 5th and West 32nd, he’s floored. It’s obviously a very popular bar but instead of one massive swarm of people there’s distinct groups, leaving a pathway to the bar for the more motivated alcohol consumers. There’s a half wall directly to the right of him that splits off the “dancing” section of the space and the “drink, eat, and flirt” section. The floor itself is huge and the bar wraps around the entire left wall, with a large case of liquor behind it, complete with 3 bartenders and a lot of sitting space. Their group of five make for the closest end of the bar so they don’t have to do so much finagling and Mark finds himself sandwiched in between Johnny and Jaehyun with Taeil and Doyoung sitting farther away on the other side of Johnny. They all order something, though if Jaehyun and Mark’s drinks are a bit stronger than the rest, no one says anything.

Eventually the alcohol starts working it’s way through his system and Mark feels himself begin to get tipsy. However, he’s definitely not as tipsy as Jaehyun is. They haven’t even been in the bar for an hour when Jaehyun starts slurring his words, which is saying something. He can see out of the corner of his eye that although Johnny is engaged in his own conversation with Doyoung and Taeil, he’s still watching Jaehyun like a hawk.

“Mark,” Jaehyun speaks up, breaking the silence that the two of them shared. His voice hitches as his body accumulates the last shot he did and he starts leaning towards Mark.

“I wanna… I wanna break up with Yeri.” He says loudly, not only catching the attention of Johnny, Taeil, and Doyoung, but of at least half the room. 

“Why? Was she actually cheating on you?” Mark asks, stirring the half-full drink in his hand and watching the ice cubes hit the side of his glass.

“Idon’tknow,” he continues as his slurring gets impossibly worse, “I haven’t asked her about it yet but I… I saw these chats on her phone and there were people… boys… who she’s never mentioned before.” Mark nods along and can’t help but feel a bit sorry for his roommate and best friend, he hopes somehow that this can all be cleared up but he really doubts it. He never really liked Yeri much anyway.

“Here… Here! I’ll show you,” Jaehyun fumbles around with his jacket until his phone drops out, Johnny catching just as it slides out. “Thank you Johnny.” He smiles, his dimples on full display as he leans his head against Johnny’s shoulder for a moment. He raises his head and opens the gallery of his phone, showing Mark where he had sent himself screenshots of Yeri’s messages. On the one hand, Mark’s pretty sure that crosses some kind of line, but he takes a look at them anyway.

“Technically she’s not really c-cheating, it looks like she’s just being f-friendly.” Mark stutters truthfully, surprising himself with how apparent his tick has become now that he’s drunk. Jaehyun nods solemnly,

“That’s what is so confusing, it’s like she’s not technically cheating but like it seems like she is, but I can’t break up with her ‘cause it seems like it, can I?” By the end of that Jaehyun glances up at Mark like he’s hoping that Mark will say yes, almost like he’s looking for an excuse.

“Jaehyun… do you by any chance actually want to be break up with Yeri?” Mark asks, this time feeling much more serious than he had before. He watches his friends face as frowns and wrinkles up his nose, 

“I don’t know.” Jaehyun shouts, and this time even the dancers on the other end of the room hear him, and glance over in what Mark can only think is either annoyance or concern.

“Jeez calm down Jaehyun,” Johnny interrupts, slinging an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Don’t get too worked up about, you’ll figure it all out in time. Hopefully not while drunk.” Mark smiles at Johnny’s response and the taller makes a hand motion towards the door.

“I know we haven’t been here that long but I don’t think this is a good idea for him tonight,” Johnny says turning serious, and Mark can’t help but agree. “I should probably drive him home.”

Mark nods again while Johnny stares at him. After a few moments of awkward silence Mark realizes Johnny actually wanted him to verbally answer the question so he opens his mouth- only to be cut off by him anyway.

“You want a ride back or would you rather stay here for a while?”

Mark doesn’t even hesitate before answering, “Rather stay.” He bursts out. He feels like he really just needs to get drunk tonight, so that’s exactly what he’s gonna do. Johnny raises an eyebrow at him, no doubt that thinking (like Mark) that he’s not really one for excessive drinking.

“I’ll the bus home or walk. The apartments not too far away and I promise I won’t get too hammered that I can’t make it home.” Mark replies to the silent question, surprising himself as he really didn’t expect himself to sound so… adultish.

“Alright then, if you’re sure?” Johnny says, slinging the arm of a surprisingly quiet Jaehyun around his shoulders.

“Yeah, Doyoung and Taeil will be here anyway so…”

Johnny doesn’t argue with that point and leaves. Mark knows those last words might have been a comfort for Johnny, but Mark knows that there is probably no way he’ll be comfortable enough to talk to either of them for the rest of the night, especially without Johnny or some other mediator to help with all the social stuff. In fact, the couple doesn’t even move their seats closer to him, leaving two completely empty chairs between them. The writer in Mark has to admit he almost loves the poetic symbolism of the space between them, the space Mark could never socially bridge across.

He sits there for another hour at least before he really starts to notice the bartenders. The one closest to him is a girl with a short bob cot and tattoos on her hands. The one in the middle seems to be the oldest, by a few years at least. However, there’s no well in hell Mark would be able to see the bartender who is farthest away, even if he wasn’t already drunk. After a few minutes the girl closest to him backs up, whispering something to the guy in the middle as she takes off her standard issue bartender-apron. The other guy nods, and by this point Mark realizes the girls shift is probably over. He frowns and looks down at his drink, he has one sip left- he really hopes they replace her soon. 

Of course, since this is a business, they do. The older guy motions for the bartender who’s farthest away to take her place. Mark squints as the guy turns and starts walking in his direction, there’s something distinctly familiar about him. He just can’t place it. As soon as he comes closer however, there’s no way he could mistake him.

“Taeyong?”

Said man looks up at Mark and flashes him a small grin, “Fancy seeing you here.”

Mark nods, stunned. He doesn’t say anything back besides that and Taeyong turns away from at someone else’s call, refilling his drink with surprising speed. Mark impationaly taps his foot as Taeyong does it, he really just wants to talk to the older male now that he’s here and he knows he can. All the thoughts of this morning, the thoughts that he would be better off just cutting Taeyong off, are gone.

“So,” Taeyong turns back and looks at him. Mark can feel a smile worming its way onto face at the sound of his voice and the alcohol turns off his ability to filter it so he just lets it grow, “What’re you doing here?”

Mark considers this for a moment and ends up just shrugging, “A friend of mine was having a rough time but he already left so…” He shrugs again and then takes the last sip of his drink,

“Can I get another Taeyongie~” He whines when he finished, earning him a laugh.

“How many have you had Mark?” He asks smiling and Mark can’t help but shrug yet again, “Enough.”

Taeyong snickers again but does as Mark asks, it’s nearing midnight so although it’s very crowded most people, including Doyoung and Taeil, have at least vacated the bar area in favour of the open dance floor or booths that line the other side of the wall.

“When do you get off?” Mark asks casually when his new drink is in front of him. It’s a normal question, he thinks, Taeyong surely couldn’t be staying here all night.

“In about an hour,” He says just as casually, “I would’ve gotten off around now but I’m covering for someone- he’s getting here late.” Mark nods, he can understand that. He and Johnny do that for each other all the time. Before he can come up with anything more to say another person sits down near him and Taeyong goes to ask them what they want. Mark mentally tells himself that there’s no way he’s going to be leaving this bar without Taeyong, he’d just have to wait for him to finish his shift. He tells Taeyong that and ignores the way his heart skips a beat when he smiles shyly,

“There’s a little  24 hour diner near here that I go to grab something to eat after work, do you want to come with me then?” He asks and Mark nods his head vehemently, earning another laugh from Taeyong.

The next hour goes by far too slow for Mark’s liking. He drinks barely any of the drink Taeyong poured for him and instead just watches the other walking around and really… just doing his job. He practically jumps in excitement when Taeyong tells him he just got a text from the person he’s covering for. Mark quickly pays for his drinks and waits in his seat.

“Boy, you’re antsy.” Mark whips around and can feel his crinkle as he lets out a little laugh, “Yeah well I haven’t seen you in a while.” He reasons. Taeyong rolls his eyes and guides him out of the building. It’s already a little past one in the morning but Mark can’t find it in him to care about how late it’s getting. They walk for about 20 minutes, making light conversation as they walk together. The diner of sorts Taeyong was talking about was small and was obviously not that fancy, but it was quaint and Mark found himself really liking it. They sat across from each other in a mini booth in the corner, both ordering some sort of sandwich and a soda. They get talking again before a thought crosses Mark’s mind,

“You remember a while ago you said you were in the hospital.”

Taeyong swallows the bite he was on a puts his sandwich on the plate, looking hard up at Mark.

“Yeah, what about it?” He asks, and Mark chooses to ignore a hint of a bite in his words.

“Well, you never did tell me why.”

Mark’s not sure exactly what he’s doing, but he figures it would never hurt to ask. Taeyong seems to ponder whether or not he’s going to answer the question or not, which is why after he does Mark’s glad that he did.

“I get sick a lot, always have since I was a child. When I was… in my teenage years, you know around high school age, I always had a hard time taking care of myself. I would get anxious, still do, and because of that I’ve always had problems with vitamin and iron deficiencies. I thought… I really thought I was doing fine with it so I stopped taking some of the supplements I was supposed to and stop dieting and stuff.” 

Taeyong pauses for a moment to take another bite of his sandwich and Mark uses that time to actually absorb what the other is saying. He’s not really all that sure what to say or even think about everything that Taeyong is revealing. Mark does admit that he is rather glad he trusts him enough to actually share.

“Eventually that caught up on me and well, you can imagine. I passed out while working overtime at the bar and they called an ambulance. I’m still dealing with those hospital bills though, oh my god.”

Mark smiles at that. He knows Taeyong enough by now to tell he was trying to lighten the mood a bit, even though he was definitely being serious, hospital bills are seriously expensive.

* * *

 

 

Eventually they decide to leave the diner, it’s verging on 2:30 in the morning and Mark reasons that at this point he should probably get home and check on Jaehyun by this point.

“I can walk you home, if you don’t mind.” Taeyong adds quickly as they leave the restaurant. They make a bit of conversation as they walk, and Mark can’t help but relish the moment. It’s just the two of them, walking around in the darkened streets of New York and just the calmness of them both is enough to make Mark… content.

“Why were at the bar all by yourself though?” Taeyong questions, breaking up a little lull of silence that befell them.

“Oh, well my friend Jaehyun- I think I’ve mentioned him before, he’s having a tough time with his girlfriend so the guy I work with, Johnny, thought we should take him out to drink and have a good time. So we brought him and two of Johnny’s friends out but Jae got really shit faced like an hour or two in so Johnny took him home.” Mark explains, the effects of the alcohol starting to wear of somewhat so his slurring and stuttering is not so bad anymore.

“Ok I get it, what happen to those other people though? The other two that came?”

Mark narrows his eyes and crinkles up his nose as they walk, “I don’t know, they’re gay,” He responds, “Probably off doing gay things.” He barks out a little laugh.

“Oh.” Taeyong responds.

Neither of them say anything else for the rest of the walk and before he knows it Mark can see his apartment building in the distance.

“Thanks for tonight,” Mark whispers as they get closer to it, “I think I really needed this tonight.”

“Yeah… it’s no problem, really.” Taeyong says, stopping as soon as they reach the doors of Mark’s building.

“We need to hang out again soon though, I missed you.” Mark admits and loves the little smile that touches Taeyong’s lips as he said it. Taeyong just smiles and nods at his words so Mark quickly says goodbye, not wanting to keep the obviously tired male any longer than necessary.

He opens the door to his building and decides to take the elevator, not trusting his stumbling drunk self to take the stairs. Opening the door of his actual apartment the first thing Mark sees is the long body of Johnny resting on his couch. He smiles to himself and opens the door of a small storage closet they have in the apartment and he pulls out a nice and soft blanket and one of the smaller extra pillows they have. He is able to maneuver Johnny’s head  on top of the pillow and basically throws the blanket on top of him before making up his mind and checking on Jaehyun. He cracks open the door of Jaehyun’s room and is glad to see is roommate is passed out cold on his bed, still wearing the same shirt he’d been wearing that night. With a final thought he quickly plugs in the other’s phone and then retires to his room, ready to sleep in and thankful that he doesn’t have to go to work until the afternoon tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long to get this chapter out, i'm going to be trying to work on updating every week though so hopefully i can start getting regular updates out.
> 
> also, follow me on twitter @imjustatypo


	7. problematic drinks

**_“The thing that’s calling me from far away_ **

**_Is it light or darkness?_ **

**_The sea that sparkled during the day today_ **

**_Is pitch dark in this night_ **

**_But if I know the path I must take_ **

**_There’s nothing for me to fear.”_ **

 

The minute Mark wakes up he starts feeling the immediate headache that usually follows up his recurring nightmare (and probably his drinking from the night before). He tries to shake the thought of it as he goes through the motions of his morning routine, but it just doesn’t work. He needs to ignore it, but it’s wormed its way into his head now and it seems like there’s no chance of him actually being able to just forget about it.

 

_ If I can’t forget about it, I could probably just ignore it. _ Mark thinks as he walks out of his bedroom to the sight of an empty apartment.

 

It’s 10:15 in the morning and Mark had already heard Jaehyun leaving early for work that morning. According to a text from Johnny, in which he described Jaehyun as “completely and utterly hungover,” he head not left in a good mood whatsoever. He decides to shoot Taeyong a quick text while he’s on his phone, hoping to get a quick response while replaying their conversations from the night prior in his head. He had gone to bed the night before, his head spinning with everything they’d talked about. It still was difficult for him to wrap around everything Taeyong had said about his hospital visits and just… Mark couldn’t deny that when he had heard that all he wanted to do was comfort Taeyong or help him in some way. He immediately shuts down that particular thought path, it’s not like he could realistically do any of things anyway. It’s not like he’s a doctor, and even if he was he’d probably only tell him things he’s already heard many times before. His mind temporarily forces the idea of comforting him to the forefront of his mind but with a little force he pushes it right back to the pit it came out of. Eventually he forces the idea of Taeyong out of his head altogether, especially when Taeyong leaves his message on read, leading him to worry for about 5 minutes over whether to send another followup text. He decides not to.

 

He doesn’t actually have to go to work until 1, something he’s thankful for once he actually has a cup of coffee and realizes how hungover he truly is. As he sits on his couch with some toast and two cups of coffee in front of him he hears his phone go off and runs to grab it, letting himself get his hopes up that it’s Taeyong. To his surprise, it’s not Taeyong. It’s Donghyuck.

 

_ Yo Marky I’m off today cuz they’re doing some sort of  _

_ ‘Intern Training’ day thing at work, wanna do something? _

 

**Work starts at 1**

**For me**

 

_ Are you hungover? _

_ You’re typing like you are right now _

 

_ Also that’s fine, me and Renjun were gonna grab  _

_ lunch if you wanted to come _

  
  


**Yeah that’s cool, where are u going?**

 

**Also I’m only a bit hungover**

 

_ Yeah, that’s believable _

 

_ Anyway, there’s this new chinese restaurant near Renjun’s place _

_ Here’s the location: [location:attached] _

 

_ Meet us there around 11:15? _

 

**Sure, sounds good**

  
  


“I mean at least I’ll have something to do today.” Mark muses, basically only talking to his reflection in the pitch black TV sitting in front of him. Right before he leaves Mark takes another look at his phone, it’s been almost an hour since he’s texted him, and almost an hour of Taeyong having left him on read. Mark tries to not let it bother him as he makes his way into the elevator, because truth be told it really shouldn’t. There’s a million and one reasons why Taeyong wouldn’t text him back. It could mean Taeyong could be sleeping or busy or well it could mean pretty much anything.

 

As he walks out of his building however, Mark can’t help but wonder about what some of the other reason he might not be responding. Maybe he never even made it home the night before? What if he got hurt or run over or-

 

Mark cuts off that line of thought with a vengeance.

 

* * *

 

It turns out that the chinese place Renjun had recommended was everything Mark could’ve hoped for and more.

 

“This is the best chinese food I’ve ever had.” He mutters in awe, looking up to see Donghyuck wolfing down his own plate of lo mien while Renjun looked on the verge of tears with how much he was laughing at their friend (who had not stopped eating to even take a breath since the food got set in front of them).

 

“I told you guys!” Renjun responds, “It’s so good here. I’ve come here like every night since it opened.”

 

Mark smiles at his old friends, “I can see why! This is  just so good.” Even that platitude simply does not feel like enough, he can’t even fathom eating at a different Chinese place after this. The three of them had always been tight ever since college, and Mark is completely sure that they haven’t ever been this silent before- like ever. It’s nice Mark thinks, his two friends (especially Donghyuck) are both fairly loud people. They always have been, which is why in the days when he shared a cramped college dorm with the likes of Donghyuck and Renjun only lived a few doors down, he often sought out little places where he could be alone for a while. That being said, both of them were much more mature than they were back then and Mark can feel a smidgen of quilt seep into him when he realizes he hasn’t even properly spoken to Renjun in over a month.

 

“So Renjun,” he starts after taking another bite of his food, “I haven’t talked to you in awhile. Whatchu been up to?” He didn't mean for it to come out so formal but for some reason Renjun raises an eyebrow and glances at Donghyuck, but he doesn’t comment on it.

 

“Uh, it’s alright I guess. You two are so lucky to be out of college. I still have 2 years to go.” He grimaces.

 

“That’s your own fault Injunnie, you’re the one who wanted to be an art teacher.” Donghyuck pipes up, and Renjun sends him a nasty scowl in response. It’s true Renjun, despite not always being the biggest fan of kids, had wanted to be an art teacher since he first met him although granted, he used to be much more enthusiastic. He hadn’t picked a major in their first year though, which set him back more than any of them expected it to. 

 

“I know I know, and I still it’s just… I hate college.” Mark nods in understanding. He only spent 3 years there himself, the first of which he was undecided like Renjun and then the other 2 were spent getting an associates degree in Music Production.

 

“It’ll be worth it though.” Mark points out, although he’s not too sure if he’s right. He knows Renjun thinks it to, it’s hard for him. He’s always been an artistic and restless soul, but there was always some sense of realism behind his dark brown eye that made Mark think that sometimes the other male could see right through him.

 

They don’t stick on this topic for long though. All of them prefer less serious conversations, and by the time they have to part ways Mark realizes that most of that lunch was them talking about how heavenly food was or whatever funny thing had crossed their minds.

 

He doesn’t feel content with how short that visit with his two close friends was, it just feels wrong. He feels like he should be putting more effort in with them, but everytime he tries it just feels pushed and wrong and forced. However, he doesn’t feel brave enough to actually voice any of those concerns, so he doesn’t. Instead he walks out of the restaurant and makes towards the studio all while pushing his thoughts about Renjun and Donghyuck out of his head. When he finally reaches the studio he’s just a few minutes earlier than Johnny. Mark hesitantly reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone. His heart drops when he opens his messages to find that Taeyong still hasn’t texted him back. It’s not like he can dwell on it though, because as soon as Mark realizes Johnny’s walking in and it’s time for them to actually get something resembling work done.

 

* * *

 

Work, however, seemed to go by slower than usual. The both of them were working on the final leg of the D & T project and although neither of them really showed how stressed they were, Mark knew for a fact if he was this stressed Johnny had to be at least twice as stressed as him. For the first time in awhile though, Mark actually feels excited by it. He loves music and he loves his job but recently it had become a chore and Mark had just not enjoyed. Now he was. The last time he felt this happy about a project it was when he was first hired. He only had 3 years in college and minimal professional experience but nonetheless, he got hired. Of course, he wasn’t allowed to work on his own projects right off the bat. He wasn't even allowed to do that now. He was assigned to work with Johnny and to learn from him before one of their other producers retired and he’d be able to have his own studio and work on his own stuff (within reason and dictation of course). That idea made him so excitable at the beginning but it seemed like the more he worked at SOM the more terrified he became of doing this on his own. To be in charge of his own works. Right now though, things feel different. He’s reminded of how he felt in the beginning and it seems like that excitement is contagious. By the time 4 o’clock rolled around both him and Johnny were goofy and smiling and just… enjoying their work. They’re content. Mark told Johnny about the really good Chinese place and to Mark’s surprise Johnny ended up buying a large amount of Chinese takeout that they didn’t stop eating until they finished their over time.

 

The overtime they had agreed on the week before, and cemented yesterday. Technically Johnny asked for the day off today, but last minute they decided they might as well get as much work in as possible before the deadline. They decided a few days ago that they’d rather stay from one to nine than nine to five so they could both sleep in on what would’ve been a day off for them. Although to be honest, by the time they actually get to nine, Mark can’t help but feel a rush of sadness. He liked today, for whatever reason today just felt different. He liked what he was going today. That’s why he gets halfway to his apartment before he remembers that he hasn’t talked to Taeyong at all today. He stops in his tracks and takes his phone quickly out of his pocket, anxious to see if he’s gotten any texts from him.

 

Only he doesn’t.

 

He can’t help the way his heart sinks when he looks at the message,

 

**Morning Taeyongie! I had fun last night, thanks for walking me home >.<**

**[read: 10:18 a.m.]**

 

It physically hurt Mark to remember the mood he was in when he sent that message. He had been so conflicted but he managed to send just a little happy text to him. Mark frowns as he continues to stare at his screen, biting on his lip as his thoughts run a mile a minute.

 

_ Am I just overreacting? _ Mark asks himself, _ It’s not like he’s obligated to text me at all… it’s just been one day. I’m not reliant on him, I don’t need to worry about him leaving me on read for just one day. _

 

Even though he knows his answer should probably be yes, he is overreacting, he finds himself not caring all that much. He makes a spur of the moment decision that it’s time for him to get a drink. He tries not to think of the consequences of getting drunk when he has to work tomorrow, but decides that Taeyong’s worth it.

 

“Cherry Bomb, here we come.” He whispers to himself in the darkness of the streets, before turning around and heading back the way he came.

 

When he gets there he takes out his phone and sends another message to Taeyong,

 

**Are you ignoring me?**

 

**Because if you are I think I at least deserve some answers.**

 

Satisfied with his texts he opens the door to the club and bar, walking slowly to the spot he sat at last night while keeping a look out for a particular familiar face. When he doesn’t he decides to just order a drink. And then another one. And then another one. By the time he checks his phone he’s already had three drinks and can’t protest against the sloppy smile that makes his way onto his face when he sees that  _ Taeyong’s finally texted him back! _

 

_ Fuck Mark I’m sorry _

_ I just didn’t know what to say _

 

**Did I say something?**

 

**Last night did I say something to make you hate me?**

**Is that why you haven’t...**

 

Mark’s not proud of how long it took his drunk self to type that out, but smiles when he sees the bubble meaning that Taeyong’s typing back at him.

 

_ Hold on… _

 

_ Are you at the bar right now? _

 

**Yeh**

**Why do you care.**

 

_ Give me a sec _

 

Mark frowns at his phone and plops it down heavily on the top of the bar. “Can I have another one please!” The bartender gives him a look put pours him another drink all the same, all to be put on his tab. He takes a nice big sip of it and shakes his head as the alcohol burns down his throat.

 

“Hiya Mark.” Mark jumps what feels like a foot off of his bar stool when he hears that. He whips his head around, eyes wide, to see Taeyong slip into the bar stool next to him. There’s something different about him tonight but drunk Mark can’t really put his finger on it. Taeyong however reaches forward and snags the drink Mark was working on and takes a swig of it himself, but Mark’s too distracted by watching Taeyong’s adam's apple bobbing up and down with every sip to protest.

 

“I’m not going to find you here every night, am I? I really don’t want you to become an alcoholic.”

 

It takes a moment for Mark’s alcohol addled brain to process what he said, but once he does he can’t help the laugh that spring forth in response. He doesn’t actually respond verbally though, he just glares at the empty glass in Taeyong’s hand. Taeyong seems to think that his glare is the funniest thing ever though because after a moment Mark’s not looking at the glass. He’s looking at Taeyong’s who’s thrown his head back and is giggling at him.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be w-working right now.” Mark quipped back at him while powering through his usual nervous stuttering. Apparently, this just causes Taeyong’s present smirk to grow even wider. As it does Mark realizes that there’s something a little bit… different about Taeyong tonight. His hair has completely grown out from the silver and is now just straight black, but there’s something simply mischievous in the eyes of this Taeyong.

 

Mark loves it.

 

“Oh yeah, only for like 2 hours though- I took the rest of the night off.” When Taeyong leans over the bar and orders a drink Mark suddenly remembers that the one sitting next to him has plaguing his thoughts all day. Never mind he’s only known him for like 3 weeks, never mind there’s not actually anything wrong with him, never mind that he should probably just be happy that he’s here now,

 

“Then why d-didn’t you text me back? If you were free all day why didn’t y-you!” Mark chided, not sure if his raising voice was purposeful or an accident.

 

Taeyong looked over at him properly guilty, “Look Mark…”

 

“I thought you might’ve been in the hospital again or hurt or I don’t even know!” Taeyong started biting his lip as Mark continued to scold him.

 

_ Must be a nervous tick or something _ Mark’s mind supplies, completely off topic.

 

“I’m sorry. I just, I really wanted to talk to you about something I guess. I didn’t really know how to say it though so I panicked and I didn’t-”

 

“You c-couldn’t even text me like 3 words? Not just a little ‘oh h-hi Mark’ or an ‘I’m not dead Mark’ or just l-like  _ anything _ .” Mark closes his mouth with a click and a frown as his voice peters out to almost a whisper. His anger spikes the more he stutters and the more frustrated he gets by it. It makes him feel like he’s vulnerable or soft and he hates how many people don’t take him serious just because of it.

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you…” Taeyong trails off and Mark instantly feels bad, he’s barely even known Taeyong for a month. It isn’t fair to him to just expect him to text him every day. That’s controlling and toxic and wrong and…

 

“Of course you didn’t. I-I was just worried.” He pouts, pouring a little bit of his mastered puppy eyes into it. Taeyong immediately smiles and lets out a little giggle, a  _ giggle _ , before he relaxes back in his bar stool.

 

“You wanna move into one of those booths, Mark?” Taeyong asks, pointing to beautiful dark red booths that line one wall of the room.

 

“B-But…” Mark looks sadly at the fully stocked bar and pouts yet again,

 

“Oh come on Mark, you’re already drunk enough.” Taeyong wraps his fingers around Mark’s wrist and weaves through the crowds with him towards the opposite corner, right until they both reach the booth and for some reason decide to squeeze into the same side of it. Mark doesn’t really mind it at all though.

 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Mark questions after a moment,

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You said y-you wanted to say s-something to me but d-didn’t know how.” Mark whispers, wincing everytime he stuttered yet again. Taeyong doesn’t comment on it though. In fact he seems to just be collecting his thoughts as he keeps opening and shutting his mouth.

 

“To be honest, it's not  _ that  _ big of a deal… it’s just a difficult topic to bring up, especially if you’re drunk right now.” He explains while Mark squints at him,

 

“Well if I’m too drunk to get it then I don’t know…. I’ll just get it later. Or something.” Mark tries to reason it out, but apparently it’s not that convincing to those who are not drunk and Taeyong shakes his head a bit from next to him.

 

“You are so weird when you’re drunk.” Taeyong laughs and Mark tries out his best puppy eyes and pouts at him,

 

“T-That’s not fair, everyone’s weird when they’re drunk!” Mark huffs. He immediately loves the way that Taeyong’s smile quirks up like he’s trying not to laugh and Mark makes a mental note to remember that acting like a pouty puppy is a good way to make Taeyong laugh. Mark does in fact love Taeyong’s laugh and when the other lets out a quick almost giggle-like laugh Mark actually feels his heart stutter.

 

“Yeah but you’re a special something.” Mark fights a blush off his face when he hears Taeyong let out the word ‘special.’ He doesn’t really understand why he’s reacting like this, only that in the moment he can’t find it in himself to care. A grin takes over his face and he’s not sure if Taeyong meant it as a compliment or was just teasing him, but either way it made him happy. Mark turns away from Taeyong and looks down at his half finished drink. He tips back his head and takes a large gulp of it just as Taeyong says,

 

“Your ears are bright red.” It takes all of Mark’s drunken self restraint to not spit out the drink all over the table.

 

“W-What?!” Mark sputters, “I-It’s..I-I’m just drunk!” Taeyong gives him a weird look,

 

“Of course you are, it’s just cute.” As soon as Taeyong says that Mark feels his brain start to shut down. He doesn’t move a muscle when Taeyong reaches out and touches his ear, he knows he’s probably supposed to like back away or flinch or something, but when Taeyong starts playing with his ear, he really can’t say that he minds it.

 

“Woah your ear’s… weird.” Mark lets out a laugh at that because yes, he doesn’t have cartilage in his ear and yes it’s become a sort of habit for him to play with it but with Taeyong’s something is just  _ different _ . He can’t pinpoint why it’s different, but maybe that’s just how Taeyong is.

 

_ Maybe my feelings for Taeyong are just different. _

 

Now that makes Mark pause.

 

_ What the hell do I mean by that? _ Mark’s thoughts suddenly start spiraling but it almost feels disconnected from his actual self. It’s almost like not-drunk Mark discovered something and is taking drunk Mark for the ride, only drunk Mark can’t understand a word of it. In the mayhem of his own internal turmoil he remembers- this whole conversation started because Taeyong needed to tell him something.

 

_ That’ll be a good distraction. _ Drunk-Mark thinks, deciding that whatever half-developed discovery the sober part of him thought up doesn’t really take priority right now.

 

“We are so off topic right now though, y-you were going to tell me something? Right? Or talk to me about something or whatvever.” Mark deflects, and Taeyong retracts his hand, frowning.

 

“It was just… about those friends you were talking about last night.” He says slowly, as if testing every word for Mark’s reaction. Mark thinks back to the night before and what he said,

 

“Do you mean Jaehyun?” He asks, remembering that the last time he said stuff about Jaehyun it was only about how he was worried about his relationship with Yeri.

 

“No it’s not him. The other ones.” Mark narrows his eyes and looks at Taeyong who looks decidedly uncomfortable, “Who? Johnny?”

 

“Uhm.. It’s not about him. It’s just kind of, random, I guess? It’s just I asked you about those other two who you were with-”

 

“Doyoung and Taeil?” Mark asks incredulously, completely and utterly confused about where exactly Taeyong’s going with this conversation. He barely even remembers bringing them up with him the night before.

 

“I don’t know where you’re going with this a-at all.” Mark intones truthfully.

 

Taeyong bites at his bottom lip, seemingly contemplating what he was going to say next.

 

“It’s just… the way you talked about them, it seemed like you didn’t like them much.”

 

“I barely know them. What are you even getting at?” Mark didn’t mean for it to come out so angry and immediately regrets when he sees that Taeyong actually looks rather angry himself. He looked cuter with the quirky smile playing at his lips, not like this.

 

“Are you homophobic or something?” Taeyong demands bluntly. Mark stops breathing.

 

“ _ What?! _ ” He has to admit to himself two things right off the back, for one he doesn’t think he’s ever been directly asked this question before. Second, he doesn’t know how to respond. No matter what answers he comes up with in his head, he can’t force any of them past his lips. He knows what the correct answer, but  _ knowing  _ it,  _ admitting  _ it, and  _ saying  _ it are all completely different things. He knows what his answer to that question is and yet he’s not even at that stage where he can admit it, let alone say it. He’s not even sure what gave Taeyong that idea, it’s not like he said anything last night that could be taken-

 

“Oh.”

 

_ “Ok I get it, what happen to those other people though? The other two that came?” _

 

_ Mark narrows his eyes and crinkles up his nose as they walk, “I don’t know, they’re gay,” He responds, “Probably off doing gay things.” He barks out a little laugh. _

 

_ “Oh.” Taeyong responds. _

 

He can see how that could come off wrong. He didn’t mean it that way of course. He couldn’t just say that though, memories of his parents and the things they said started rushing into his head. What if Taeyong thought like that? He would hate Mark forever if he knew…

 

_ Knew what? _

 

Mark feels like someone splashed cold water all over him and the luxury of being drunk Mark has seemingly become very sober. He’s shell shocked he… he’s speechless. Mark knows in his heart that it isn’t a big deal. Just say something like ‘no what the hell I’m not a terrible piece of shit like that, of course not!’ and everything will be fine. Except everything is most definitely not fine.

 

“I-I’m d-didn’t mean it like t-that.” Is all he’s able to squeeze past his lips. It’s in this moment where he realizes how much hate he has for himself. On top of the stutter and the laziness and the inability to do anything with his life he can’t even be a decent fucking person. 

 

He physically can’t bring himself to talk about this, he’s purposely never really thought about his sexuality or sexuality in general in fear of upsetting his parents or just… everyone really. He’s spent years of his life hearing lectures and sermons and talks about how that’s not okay, how it just isn’t done, especially by him. He’s heard his mother saying such bad things about being gay or bi and everything that he never really took the risk and said that he didn’t agree with any of it. He didn’t even know people were capable of accepting of it until he got to college and suddenly there were LGBTQ+ clubs and two guys would be making out under a tree or something. He just didn’t know. He hasn’t even taken time to think about it but he knows with a sinking feeling in his heart that if he ever did he wouldn’t be normal anymore. He’s not ready for that. What if Jaehyun abandons him? What if Donghyuck hates him? What if he never talks to Renjun again? What if he loses his job, what if he loses everything? What if he loses his parents and his home and the things that made him well, him? 

 

_ But what if I lose Taeyong? _

 

“Mark, are you okay?”

 

Mark snaps out of his reverie when he registers that Taeyong’s been watching him this whole time.

 

“I j-just. I’m not comfortable t-talking about t-this.” He responds slowly, praying that Taeyong just drops it. If they get any further into this topic Mark’s scared that he might never come out. He doesn’t make eye contact with Taeyong and instead picks at the threads of his jeans, slowly rocking back and forth all though he has no remembrance of when he started doing that. There’s a pause, a silence really, that overtakes their corner of the bar. Mark can’t hear or register anything but his own breath and the beating of his heart.

 

“And why not?” Mark’s breathing stops again in what feels like the millionth time tonight when he feels a soft and gentle finger worm it’s way under his chin and lift it up.

 

He’s so close to Taeyong that he can see his pupil’s dilating and his own reflection in his eyes. That is until his eyelids flutter shut and Mark realizes exactly what kind of position they’re in.

 

Taeyong’s about to fucking kiss him.

 

Mark looks down to the others soft pink lips and for a second drunk Mark screams at him to just do it, but he can’t. Images upon images rush into his mind and he flails, pushing away from Taeyong with everything he can muster until he falls off of the booth they were sitting at.

 

“Mark-” It’s like all of time stops and he just can’t.  _ He just can’t do this! He can’t be thinking this, he can’t be doing things like this, HE JUST CAN’T. _

 

_ Stopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinking  _ Mark screams in his head but it  _ won’t stop.  _  He can feel his throat start to constrict and his head feels pained. He’s all light headed and he’s not sure what to think or do or feel, the only thing going through is head is how he almost kissed a  _ guy _ . A whole dude.  _ Taeyong _ , he almost kissed  _ Taeyong _ . What if he kisses him and that’s why he died? What if that’s why the dreams are there, to warn him not to trust what he’s feeling with Taeyong. But Taeyong’s right there and he’s leaning over him looking worried and his lips are still pink.  

 

“Mark, c’mon take a deep breath okay? Mark?” It’s Taeyong’s voice, he knows that, but he can’t register what he’s saying. It doesn’t process in his head. That’s the guy he almost kissed. The guy he’s been dreaming about  _ dying  _ for  _ months and months _ but he’s also the guy he tripped in front of on the subway and talked to in Starbucks and who walked him home last night.

 

“Mark, I’m going to take you home alright? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-” His voice is fuzzy in Mark’s ears and he can’t pick out individual words, all of the loud booms and the bustle of the club are getting too overwhelming, everything’s just too goddamn loud. He barely notices the stinging of his eyes and how there’s tears pouring down his face and he doesn’t notice when Taeyong takes his arms and puts it around his shoulders, grabbing his waist and moving him like he’s a doll and making him lean into the other. He feels increasingly light headed the more steps he takes and everything around him starts to flicker and before his eyes everything just stops flickering until it fades to black.

 

The last thing he remembers before fading out completely is the softness of something beneath him and a gentle hand on his forehead. He remembers seeing a blurry Taeyong leaning over him and whispering something about ‘making sure to get some rest’ before a familiar ceiling turns black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm so i hope you guys enjoyed it, i've been getting a lot of comments but I haven't gotten around to answering them so i'm going to respond to all of them in one sitting sometime soon, as you can tell there's a little bit of drama this chapter and I tried not to make it too confusing but if you are confused please leave me a comment and i'll try to fix it.
> 
> anygay, check out my twitter and cc (i am currently writing a markyong au on my twitter) and i hope all you lovelies have a wonderful day!
> 
> twitter: https://twitter.com/imjustatypo  
> cc: https://curiouscat.me/imjustatypo


	8. taeyong time

**_“How can I say this without breaking_ **

**_How can I say this without taking over_ **

**_How can I put it down into words_ **

**_When it's almost too much for my soul alone_ **

 

**_I loved and I loved and I lost you_ **

**_I loved and I loved and I lost you_ **

**_I loved and I loved and I lost you_ **

**_And it hurts like hell”_ **

 

Taeyong knew the second he thought of the idea that it was a very bad one. He couldn’t help himself, really, especially when he’s tipsy. He’s always been a flirty and affectionate drunk. This, of course doesn’t stop him from feeling immensely guilty the second he sees Mark panicking on the floor. He always thought Mark was very cute and cuddly, his little stutter when he gets nervous or drunk has always made Taeyong’s heart do things but seeing him like that just broke his heart.

 

The second he went for that kiss he immediately regretted it. He almost started to cry when he saw how Mark curled up on the floor, looking so small and upset. He tried to talk to him, to apologize, but the smaller started having a legitimate panic attack. Mark was crying and his breathing was ragged and hiccupy as he rocked back on forth. Suffice it to say, Taeyong felt like shit. He would’ve rather just suffered a rejection than have made Mark so upset, he’d have rather suffered a  _ thousand  _ rejections if it meant Mark wouldn’t be like this.

 

 After a moment of deliberation Taeyong decides that his best bet is to just take Mark back home to his apartment where he can hopefully relax. He pays for his and Mark’s drinks after wrapping his arms around Mark and propping him up on their booth. He then softly and slowly wraps his hand around Mark’s wrist when he doesn’t answer if it’s okay to touch him or not. When Mark doesn’t immediately pull back Taeyong lifts him up and pulls his arm over his shoulder. He wraps his other arm carefully around his waist and brings the still sobbing Mark out through the staff’s entrance in the back. He leans him against the wall of Cherry Bomb for a moment before wrapping him up his arms so he can bury his face in Taeyong’s shoulder.

 

“Mark, I’m going to take you home alright? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to upset you like this, I really didn’t. I’m so sorry Mark.” Taeyong rambles on, but Mark doesn’t give a response. He does seem to calm down a little bit though, the sobbing turning more into sniffles and solitary tears, and Taeyong breathes a sigh of relief when it seems like Mark’s breathing easier. Taeyong basically half carries him all the way to his apartment, making sure he’s pulled up close next to him. It’s only when he sees Mark’s apartment building in the distance that he realizes that he has a problem. He doesn’t know what apartment number Mark is. 

 

_ Fuck, this is a problem. _ He thinks, but he doesn’t have another plan so he continues towards the building. He considers texting Yuta for a moment, just to see if he could come and pick them up, but a big problem with that plan is that neither of them have a car and there’s way Taeyong would take Mark on public transport in this state. Not only that, he’s not sure how Mark would react if he woke up in the morning and he was at Taeyong’s apartment and not his own.

 

“Hey Mark…” Taeyong brings him through the glass doors of the building and sees that there’s a bench next to the door. He sets him on it and kneels in front of him, “Mark I need you to tell me what your apartment number is.” He whispers it but Mark seems almost half asleep, probably more due to the alcohol than the panic attack Taeyong guesses. He just whimpers and shakes his head so Taeyong sits down next to him and pulls at his sleeve so he falls against his chest. Mark sniffles but doesn’t respond verbally so Taeyong reluctantly admits to himself that he has no idea what to do. Mark’s shaking in his arms and every time he feels another tear join the tear tracks on his cheeks his heart constricts in pain.

 

“I’m so sorry I did this to you Mark. I’m so sorry I upset you.” He whispers. Taeyong thinks that at least part of Mark’s reaction was due to the alcohol, but he knows that the larger part of it was due to him. It’s obvious Mark doesn’t drink too often, he should have known not to try to kiss him when he’s drunk. His heart is so weighed down with guilt that it feels like he’s crushing him.  For god’s sakes, he shouldn’t have tried to kiss him. He shouldn’t have even  _ touched  _ him. Mark was so clearly conflicted, he was thinking way to hard and Taeyong had thought… the way Mark looked at him… but he read it wrong. He did  _ everything  _ wrong, he caused Mark’s panic attack. It was all his fault.

 

_ I don’t think I’m ever going to forgive myself. _ Taeyong thinks to himself sadly, absentmindedly brushing some strands of hair out of Mark’s face. If he wasn’t so mad at himself he probably would’ve been happy that Mark’s more or less settled down, asleep in his arms. Taeyong realizes in that moment that he might have to stay like this all night but to be honest, he can’t bring himself to care too much about it. As long as Mark’s okay, he can deal with it.

 

He’s not too sure how long he sits like this, Mark curled up on his lap, but eventually the ding of the elevator sounds in the silent lobby, bringing him out of his half-asleep haze. His mind spins with what he’s going to say to whoever’s going to find them like this. What if they thought he did something to Mark?

 

_ Well they wouldn’t be wrong. _ Taeyong’s mind helpfully points out and he groans, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep. Preferably after he gets Mark safely into his apartment and in bed.

 

Taeyong doesn’t recognize the man who steps out of the elevator, which makes sense because this is Mark’s apartment building and this is the first time Taeyong’s ever actually been inside of it. This man has dark brown hair and matching eyes, and when he steps out of the elevator he’s looking straight at his phone. When he finally looks up from it those eyes seem to skip right over him at first, it does seem like he’s in a hurry. However, right before the guy exits the building he turns back around sharply and his eyes lock onto Taeyong before drifting down to the guy wrapped up and sleeping on his lap. 

 

“What the hell,  _ is that Mark? _ ” The stranger exclaims, his eyes burning.

 

Taeyong’s never been so simultaneously relieved and terrified in his whole life. He nods his head frantically at the stranger, praying that this person is a friend of Mark’s.

 

“Yeah, do you know him?” He croaks out, his voice cracking after sitting here for who knows how long.

 

“Do I know him? Of course I do I’m his fucking roommate, what the hell did you do to him?” Taeyong winces away from the angry stranger and tightens his grip on Mark, hoping to god that this stranger doesn’t wake Mark up. He hates how he knows this guy is actually right, but he also knows that if he wants this angry person to not kill him, he can’t say that.

 

“I didn’t do anything to him.” Taeyong responds softly, hoping that although he doesn’t truly believe himself, that the stranger will. If he doesn’t… Taeyong really doesn’t want to deal with that right now.

 

“Who even are you?” He responds, the anger still evident in his voice.

 

“Taeyong. Hasn’t… hasn’t Mark ever mentioned me before?” Taeyong can’t help but ask, although he fears the waver in his voice betrays how sad and confused he really is that Mark’s never talked or even brought up Taeyong to his own  _ roommate _ . To Taeyong’s sadness, the stranger shakes his head,

 

“No. He hasn’t,” He sounds skeptical, and Taeyong can’t blame him, “I’m sorry.” 

 

Taeyong just shrugs and he shifts around on the bench, trying to get at a better angle so he can pick Mark up and bring him upstairs.

 

“I’m Jaehyun by the way, I bet Mark’s said something about me.” Jaehyun continues, verging on smugly. Taeyong knows that this guy is probably testing him, to see if he really knows Mark, but he almost wants to cry at how Jaehyun is so clearly making the point that  _ Mark has never even mentioned his name to his own roommate before. _

 

“Right you’re the one who got wicked drunk yesterday because of your girlfriend or whatever.” Taeyong quipps back, moving to pick Mark up while Jaehyun looks on surprised. Jaehyun gets the idea after a moment and grabs Mark’s other arm, suspending him between the two of them and setting him down softly at the elevator.

 

“Is that how you two met then, yesterday at the bar?” Jaehyun prys and Taeyong tries his best to resist a really terrible feeling that’s trying to make its way into his head.

 

“No? We’ve known each other for a few weeks now,” Taeyong explains for Jaehyun’s apparent confusion, “I work at Cherry Bomb, it was a coincidence that we ran into each other last night.”

 

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything to that and Taeyong’s pretty sure he doesn’t want him to anyway so he doesn’t say anything more. This goes on for a couple minutes but once the elevator stops they continue to work on getting Mark to his apartment together.

 

Once they got to their apartment, number 402 apparently, Jaehyun lets go of Mark to put his key in a punch in their passcode.

 

“ **So** if you didn’t meet Mark at the bar, how exactly did you meet him?” Jaehyun questions as they walk into the apartment and set the sleeping Mark on the couch.

 

“We met on the subway actually and then ran into each other  _ again  _ that day at Starbucks so we just ended up hanging out. We have a lot of coincidences now that I think about it.” Taeyong responds, standing awkwardly in the middle of Jaehyun and Mark’s living room as Jaehyun takes off Mark’s shoes. Again, Jaehyun doesn’t directly comment on this but instead switches to a completely different topic.

 

“Do you know what happened to him? He’s had panic attacks like this before but not since college.” Taeyong shakes his head, biting his bottom lip to keep him from saying what really happened. He wanted to give Mark the chance to talk to Jaehyun about it himself, it wouldn’t be fair to him if he brought it up with Jaehyun before Mark even had the chance to. Mark is his friend and Jaehyun is Mark’s friend. Jaehyun isn’t Taeyong’s friend, and if he’s being honest, once Jaehyun knows the reason why Mark’s so upset he probably will never be.

 

Taeyong helps Jaehyun tuck Mark into bed and he whispers lightly in Mark’s ear once Jaehyun leaves the room,

 

“Make sure to get plenty of rest Markie,” He brushes a piece of hair that was sticking to his lip out of his face and Mark mumbles something in his sleep and tussles a bit. Taeyong can’t help but let out a little smile at how adorable Mark looks when he’s sleeping, despite how his heart hurts when his eyes glance over the dried tear tracks on his cheeks. He brushes his thumb tenderly on his cheek for a moment before standing up and getting out of his room, trying not to look at the surroundings because after all, it is Mark’s private room.

 

Taeyong walks out of Mark’s room and for the first time he really takes time to look at the apartment he shares with Jaehyun. It’s a pretty cute place, Taeyong has to admit. Their living room looks cute and cozy with a nice wide couch in the middle of it. He guesses that the two doors on the other side of the room probably go to a bathroom and Jaehyun’s own bedroom, but it’s not like he’s going to open them to find out. They don’t really have a dining room per se, but there is a small four person table tucked into the corner of the room near the door to the balcony. The floor plan is very open and as such the living/dining room just spills straight into the kitchen. There’s a sort of breakfast bar/island that’s kind of a barrier for the two spaces with rustic bar stools that Taeyong finds himself loving.

 

Speaking of the kitchen, the further Taeyong walks into the middle of the apartment, the more clearly Taeyong can see Jaehyun, who is doing something in the kitchen. Taeyong’s just about to slip out of the apartment completely when Jaehyun decides to basically jump right in front of him.

 

“Hey Taeyong,” He holds out his hand that has a little slip of paper in it and Taeyong frowns at it, “Here’s my number, just give me a text if something like this happens again, ok?”

 

“Oh, sure.” Taeyong takes the paper out of his hand and puts it in his pocket,

 

“I should probably go…” He trails off, motioning towards the exit.

 

“Oh yeah, of course.” Jaehyun gets out of his way and Taeyong leaves, ready for the excessively long walk home that’s in store for him. He pretends he doesn’t see the searching look Jaehyun gives him.

 

* * *

 

 

Taeyong walked into his apartment bordering on 1 o’ clock in the morning both mentally and physically exhausted. He’s terrified for what’s going to happen tomorrow. It’s completely possible that Mark will never want to see or speak to him again, and that thought sobered Taeyong up real quick. He really doesn’t want that to happen. It’s not his fault Mark’s attractive, is it? Taeyong’s always thought that you can’t control who you like but maybe he’s wrong, maybe it’s up to you to control who you like, maybe sometimes you have to. Maybe he should’ve fought harder against his feelings for the younger, then they just could’ve been friends, then he wouldn’t have caused Mark’s panic attack.

Taeyong tries to push down these thoughts as he throws his keys in the bowl they keep on a counter by the door. He flicks the light on and as his eyes are adjusting to the light, he doesn’t immediately notice the person in the living room. Once he does though he feels immensely guilty, it’s Yuta. His roommate looks half asleep, but judging from the empty coffee cup on the table in front of him and the TV that’s still on but muted, he wasn’t trying to fall asleep.

“Where have you been?!” Is the first thing Yuta says, practically yelling, which Taeyong has to admit is pretty fair, “You-You said you were getting out early today! For god’s sake Taeyong! I thought you might’ve been in the hospital again! That’s what happened the last time you pulled something like this, what the fuck! You could’ve at the very least texted me! JUST LIKE ONE TEXT WOULD’VE BEEN FINE.”

Taeyong winces but lets his roommate continue to yell at him, he really deserves it, 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking something… happened.” Taeyong mumbles, and Yuta thankfully stops yelling at him, he just gives him a tired yet concerned look.

“What happened?” Yuta questions, as if he’s finally seeing the look on Taeyong’s face. He scooches over, leaving for Taeyong to sit on their couch next to Yuta. The tears he’s been trying to prevent from falling since he left Mark’s apartment feel so close to falling and he drops himself on the couch, leaning his body against Yuta who wraps his arms around him. He loves Yuta’s hugs, even if he doesn’t deserve them right now.

“I think I messed up. It’s like… really bad Yuta. I don’t- I don’t know what to do.” Taeyong can feel the first tears start rolling down his cheek and he sniffles, trying to wipe them off with the back of his hand.

“What did you do?” Yuta asks softly, he both loves and hates Yuta when he’s upset. On the one hand, he's always there to listen and comfort but two seconds ago Yuta was mad at him, and Taeyong knows that he still is. He hates how he’s just forcing Yuta to put his anger on hold just to listen to him rant. He doesn’t deserve that.

“I… when I got off work I didn’t leave right away. I order like one drink and some food and was gonna come right back but I had… I had been ignoring Mark all day. He-He came to the bar and got really drunk and started to text me again. I don’t… I don’t know how long we were sitting there together but I think it might’ve been a few hours. But we got talking about things and then I-I asked him about w-what he said the other day and he… y’know the whole gay thing with his friends? We were like kinda f-flirting before it so I thought I’d ask about, just to see if I was imagining it. I think. I-I was. B-But he said he didn’t want to t-talk a-about it because it made him u-uncomfortable and t-then I was really drunk, you know how I am w-with alcohol, and I tried to kiss him. He freaked out Yuta! H-He..I didn’t know what t-to d-do so I brought him to h-his apartment but I didn’t know what f-floor he was on or a-anything so I f-fell asleep in the l-lobby and then his roommate came along and took him a-and…. I don’t think h-he’s ever going to talk to me again Yuta. I r-ruined  _ everything _ .”

“Taeyong, you can’t think like that. I’m sure he’ll still talk to you. You two are close, he’s not gonna write you off because of one drunken mistake.” Yuta reasons.

Taeyong shakes his head into Yuta’s chest, his words are nice but they’re not the truth. His thoughts are spinning, filled with images of Mark crying on the floor or falling asleep in his arms. He remembers when he first saw Mark on that damn subway, he cringes at the words he said then,

_ Mr. Clumsy, I actually freaking called him Mr. Clumsy. _

Taeyong feels like he’s about to laugh or sob or both. He feels like he’s going to go crazy.

“Taeyong, it’s going to be alright.” Yuta whispers into his ear, but Taeyong shakes his head again and pushes down a sob, he doesn’t see a version of this where everything comes out alright. He sees a version where he never gets to look at Mark’s adorable nose-scrunching smile. He sees a version where he never gets to hear Mark’s drunken slurring. He sees a version where he never talks to Mark again. He sniffles and pushes himself out of Yuta’s embrace,

“I’m gonna take a shower,” He starts, not able to deal with this for even one more second. He starts standing up and moves towards his own room.

“Tae–” Yuta sits up from where he’s sitting on the couch but Taeyong ignores it, Yuta’s a great friend but not really that great of a comforter. At least, he is. Taeyong’s just not in the mood for it. He’s too far gone right now.

“And then I should probably go to bed, it is very late.” Taeyong continues, mostly rambling for himself and his own “sanity.” He ignores the concerned look Yuta sends him and shakily opens his door, grabbing an extra change of clothes quickly before almost running into their bathroom. He takes a shaky breath and bends over the sink, trying his best not to outright cry. He ends up failing though, he slides to the ground and a frantic sob wracks his frame. He lets out what he’s been holding this entire time, he turns the shower on to drown out the sound of his crying and curls up on himself in the corner of the bathroom.

_ He’s lost Mark. _

 

* * *

 

 

Taeyong ignores the way his eyes are burning when he wakes up that morning. He has absolutely no doubt that they’re all red and puffy, but he tries not to let it bother him. He just hopes Yuta won’t bring it up when he wakes up. He decides to make a nice American style breakfast to make up for the fact he made Yuta worried the night before, it’s always worked before. 

Every so often while he cooks the thought of Mark worms it’s way to the surface, only for him to push it back down again. He wonders how Mark’s doing this morning, he’s probably  _ really  _ hungover. Taeyong finishes up with the breakfast quickly and lays it out on the table, not paying close attention to the sounds coming from Yuta’s room that mean his roommate is in fact, awake. He grabs his phone and looks at the time, 10:02, surely Mark would be awake by now?

He decides to test that for himself. He pops a couple of pills for his medication into his mouth and presses the call button, watching as his screen lights up with Mark’s name. He watches hopefully, only for his face to fall when Mark doesn’t answer. He tries to reason it out, he’s probably not feeling good. He’s hungover. He might still be sleeping. But, no matter what he comes up with, he’s still nervous. He walks into his bedroom aimlessly when something catches his eye, a little folded slip of paper he had set on his desk the night before. _ Jaehyun’s number. _

He doesn’t even think about it.

**Hey Jaehyun, it’s Taeyong.**

**I was just wondering if Mark was ok? I tried calling him but he didn’t answer.**

Taeyong sits on the edge of his bed with his phone innocently set down next to him. His leg bounces up and down with nerves and he bites at his nails as he waits. He’s so nervous he doesn’t immediately notice his phone light up, but the second he does he jumps. His hands are shaking as he picks up his phone and squints at the response,

_ He’s awake if that’s what you mean. He’s… hungover I think but he hasn’t _

_ really been talking that much. I’m actually really worried. _

_ I called him in sick for work but I can’t stay with him, I was able to convince them _

_ to let me come in late but I can’t miss it. _

_ He’s actually sorta scaring me _

**What if I come over to look after him?**

**I make a great hangover soup.**

_ Would you really be willing to do that? _

__  
  


**Yeah of course.**

**I don’t have work until late and I don’t have anything else to do either.**

_ If it’s okay with you then? _

**Yeah, just give me an hour**

_ Ok! Thank you so much Taeyong! _

**Don’t mention it.**

Taeyong tries to push down a bit of fear that crops up at thinking that he’s about to spend the day with Mark, the two of them alone in one apartment. He’d be naive to think that they’re not gonna have to talk about the whole almost-kiss thing at some point and that thought alone is absolutely terrifying. He just doesn’t want to make things worse between them, this could be the last chance he has to fix his and Mark’s friendship.

He changes quickly and goes back into the kitchen, barely noticing Yuta who’s scarfing down his breakfast on their couch. He had made some hangover soup broth the day before which is now sitting in his fridge, he takes it out and grabs some pots and pans along with some fresher ingredients. About halfway through his cooking process Yuta leaves for work, giving him a quick goodbye concerned look before heading out.

After cooking for a little over a half hour he’s happy with how the soup has turned out, he ladles it into a plastic container and checks his reflection in the mirror for a moment before he leaves the apartment himself.

He’s never been as nervous in his life than he is when he walks onto the subway car and steals a seat, cradling the soup on his lap. His leg bounces up and down as he grips the bowl tightly, hoping he doesn’t accidentally knock the soup down. His heart is beating so hard and fast in his chest the second he steps out of the subway car though. Taeyong’s completely terrified, but he tries to force it down the closer he gets to Mark’s apartment. The building comes into view and his heartbeat picks up and he can feel it throb in his chest. From the moment he saw Mark he thought that the boy was ridiculously cute and they got along so well that he just… couldn’t help but fall for him. He was cute and shy and he could literally talk to him for hours and hours and still feel like he there was a world of things he wanted to know about Mark and talk about with him. He loved it. He doesn’t think he could deal with never talking to Mark again.

He walks up the street and opens the familiar doors into the lobby of the apartment. His eye catches the bench he had sat on the night before, Mark crying and curled up into his side. Taeyong so wishes that had been under different circumstances. He takes the elevator up to the fourth floor and walks down the hallway, stopping in front of the door where he knew Mark would be on the other side.

He knocks lightly on the door at first, but to be honest even he couldn’t hear that knock. He gulps and collects his thoughts as solidly as he can before knocking loudly on the door. He waits a couple minutes, forcefully keeping himself from tapping his foot as he waits. He hears someone fiddling on the other side of the door before it finally opens, revealing a very nervous looking Jaehyun.

“Ah Taeyong! He’s right in the living room, I have to leave like  _ right now _ but I’ll be back around 5, maybe 5:30. Text me if something happens.” Jaehyun rambles on. Taeyong nods mutely, not speaking for fear that Jaehyun will be able to tell how nervous he is. Jaehyun pushes right past him and Taeyong steps into the apartment and closes the door behind him, but when he turns around he’s face to face with a very sleepy looking Mark.

His hair is tousled and knotted at the top of his head and has dark circles under his eyes. His cheeks are somewhat sunken, making him look almost sickly. Taeyong’s heart drops. He feels so guilty, he feels like it’s all his fault and his heart stutters as he steps forward,

“Hiya Mark,” he whispers, but Mark doesn’t say anything in response, he just looks at Taeyong bug eyed, “I made some homemade hangover soup for you. Do you want some?” Taeyong holds up his container of soup and Mark nods very slowly as he stays completely silent.

It kind of worries him that Mark’s not saying anything, but he shrugs it off as Mark walks towards his couch and curls up with a big poofy grey blanket. Taeyong walks in, setting the soup container on the kitchen counter before turning to look at Mark who hasn’t moved from the sofa but is clearly staring at him.

“W-What are you d-doing here?” He croaks out and Taeyong frowns at the state of his voice. It sounds like he’s being crying.

“I was texting Jaehyun this morning and he said he was worried about leaving you here alone so I made some hangover soup and decided to come over,” Taeyong replies quickly, “Do you want some of it?”

It takes a little bit for Mark to respond and Taeyong can see the gears turning in his head so he doesn’t say anything, he just waits patiently for him to respond. Mark ends up nodding, which makes Taeyong smile, so he finds where they keep the ladles and bowls and portions some out for Mark. He watches Mark out of the corner of his eye as he continues to sit curled up with the blanket, his eyes following Taeyong wherever he goes. He doesn’t let it bother him though, and just brings the bowl back to the couch and sets it in front of Mark. He’s not all too sure what to do with himself, but he ends up deciding to just plop down next to Mark on the couch, leaving about a foot in between the two of them. Taeyong tries to not watch Mark as he takes a spoon of his soup and puts in his mouth, but he fails. He’s glad he does though, because he loves how Mark’s face lights up and he immediately goes for another spoonful.

“This is actually so good, what the heck.” Mark exclaims and a huge smile breaks out on not only his face, but Taeyong’s as well.

“Why the tone of surprise?” He jokes and Mark chuckles, almost choking on his mouthful of soup. “I’ll have you know that I am an excellent cook.”

“Really?” Mark asks, and Taeyong nods shortly,

“Of course, I make only the best food.” Mark smiles shyly at that and Taeyong grins back in what he hopes looks like an encouraging smile.

“I’m going to need proof of this ‘good cooking skill’ you realize this.” Mark says and Taeyong laughs,

“Yeah alright.” He says in a sarcastic tone that makes Mark smiles again, Taeyong realizes in that moment that he really loves Mark’s smile. His nose crinkles up and the corners of his lips look absolutely adorable. He watches in silence as Mark takes the spoon up to his lips again and takes another sip, delighting in the little ‘mmm’ noise he makes as he swallows. Taeyong doesn’t say anything else for a while, content in watching Mark enjoy the homemade soup he worked so hard on. He keeps his distance, hell bent on making sure he doesn’t stray past Mark’s comfort zone. Not again. The silence is a bit suffocating and although Mark seems content not to speak, Taeyong is itching to say something, anything. He knows that it’s not fair to pressure Mark into talking about what happened the night before, but honestly Taeyong just really wants to apologize to him.

“Mark…” Taeyong starts, ready to breach the subject, but when Mark looks back up at him, his cheeks with a tad bit more color in them then when he first walked in, and eyes wide and glossy he just can’t find it in him to bring it up, “Do you want to like… watch something?” He goes for instead, pointing to the TV that’s turned off in front of them. Mark smiles cutely and nods multiple times,

“I’d love to, whatever you want to watch is fine.”

That’s how Taeyong ends up finding out that he and Mark share a love for the X-Files, and that Mark loves long and cozy days in over going out somewhere and doing anything social. When Mark leans his head against him during a particularly bad scene and doesn’t protest when Taeyong puts an arm around his shoulder, Taeyong really starts to get the appeal, even if it makes him confused over what Mark thinks of him. 

Taeyong’s not sure how long the two of them sit there, curled up with a blanket over their laps while they watch episode after episode, making jokes and talking about random stuff the entire time. Some deep part of him wishes that this could be every day, that him and Mark could be a little something more than this too. He wishes every time he thought about how kissable Mark’s little cheeks are, he actually could kiss them. Taeyong wishes he could comb his fingers through Mark’s hair because despite how wild it is today he knows it would be really soft and smell really nice. He doesn’t do any of these things though, because the more he thinks about the more he realizes he has no chance with him. However, the more spends time with Mark and the closer they get, the more he realizes how deep his feelings for the other really are. It’s all the little things about Mark that make Taeyong want to fall head over heels for him, all the little stutters and mannerisms, how he wobbles when he’s drunk and can eat a whole meal in seconds like his life depends on it. He loves the way Mark’s eyes light up so subtly whenever he talks about something that really interests him. He loves it. He loves everything about Mark, and he can’t see a time when he wouldn’t.

That’s why in this moment he makes up his mind to never try to kiss Mark again. He doesn’t want to see Mark hurt like that again, ever again. They’re supposed to be friends and friends care about each other, they protect each other, they don’t cause panic attacks and fear and… that’s exactly what Taeyong did to him. He’ll never do anything to cause something like it again.

_ Never again.  _ Taeyong thinks to himself, smiling a bit as Mark twitches against him, spooked by something that’s happening on the show. The only problem Taeyong’s having with this is that he always considers talking problems out the most important thing when it comes to any of his friendships. He has a strong feeling that if the two of them left this to stew it would come back and bite him in the ass sometime in the near future. Taeyong cranes his neck to see the time, his eyes widening slightly when he realizes just how long he’s been here. He walked into Mark’s apartment a little after 11 o’clock and it’s now bordering on four in the afternoon. Holy shit.

He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the episode, instead opting to watch Mark’s minuscule little reactions to the show despite how he’s seen all of these episodes multiple times before. When the end credits roll Taeyong moves around and Mark looks up him all pouty,

“Where are you going?” Taeyong almost coos at how cute he looks but decides to push it down,

“Do you want some sort of dinner? I was gonna cook something.” Mark slides off of Taeyong so he stands up while Mark nods,

“Yeah that would be nice, I’m not a very good cook. Jaehyun usually does all of it so I’m not even too sure what’s in there.” Taeyong chuckles at him and walks into their kitchen with Mark on his heels. He almost laughs at how immediately useless Mark becomes the second he walks in behind him. He jumps up onto one of the counters while Taeyong takes some stuff out of the fridge. He can’t even tell Taeyong where they keep all of their ingredients and such so it takes him a whole 20 minutes just to sort out everything while Mark laughs at him in the background. To be honest though he doesn’t mind, the whole feeling of cooking in the kitchen while Mark mumbles and laughs at him is so domestic that he can’t help but enjoy it. This whole day has been undeniably… nice. Before he and Mark only hung out at bars or in public somewhere, the closest they got to something as intimate as this is when Taeyong walked him to his building. Now here he is, taking care of sick Mark and cuddling him on the couch while they watch old TV shows for hours. It’s the most wonderful way to waste his day away, and he will never complain about it. 

“Have you ever even tried to cook something Mark?” He says, stirring together a little sauce he was making for their meal.

“Yes! It always turns out terrible though. One time I almost set the apartment on fire.” Taeyong smiles and shakes his head, turning towards Mark who has shimmied closer to him on the counter.

“Mark, almost everyone sets their house on fire. I’ve almost set my house on fire, it’s like a right of passage for cooking” Taeyong explains, giving Mark a look that causes the others nose to crinkle up as he laughs.

 “That’s not fair! Even Gordon Ramsey said I was a bad cook though, that’s gotta count for something.” That causes Taeyong to pause,

“Are you serious? How does that even happen?” Taeyong asks incredibly,

“Well we were in college and Donghyuck, my dorm mate at the time, invited me to hang out at his parents house during break and I went. We were trying to make breakfast so obviously, I was trying to make the eggs. He took a picture of it though and posted the picture on Twitter, tagging Gordon Ramsey while making a huge joke out of it.”

“And they were that bad that Gordon Ramsey actually replied?” Mark pouts at him the second he says that causing Taeyong to laugh even harder,

“That’s hilarious oh my god!” It takes all of Taeyong’s self control not to double over in laughter and even then he doesn’t think he’s ever been happy is this kind of carefree way before in his life. It makes him feel all warm and fuzzy and he finds it so interesting that despite the events of last night, the two of them can still hang out in a way that makes him feel this way. It’s almost comforting, it feels affirming to know that they can still have a banter like this even after what happened. Taeyong takes the pasta he was boiling and strains it before mixing in the vegetables he was cooking in another pan. 

“Hey do you guys have any wooden spoons?” Taeyong questions, he always prefers to use the larger wooden spoons to mix stuff like this together, not just the small metal ones, it’s a quirk of his.

“I dunno, you can look around.” Taeyong sighs exasperatedly, sending a playful glare Mark’s way before checking a couple cupboards. He eventually finds it and then pours his sauce into the pan along with everything else and starts mixing it, loving the sizzle that accompanies it. He save a little bit of sauce though, and spreads it on the slices of leftover chicken he found in their fridge that he’s reheating on the stove top. 

“Mm, that smells really good.” Mark comments, hopping off the counter and coming up behind Taeyong. He puts a hand out to block Mark from coming any closer and smiles cheekily at him,

“Don’t get to close, I don’t want you to ruin it with your whole bad-mojo thing that you’ve got going on.” Mark rolls his eyes at him but Taeyong doesn’t miss how he’s basically giving the food he’s cooking heart eyes. Mark looks for the  food so Taeyong takes a little taste and then turns around to find the plates. The only thing is that when he turns around, he's immediately met with Mark’s pouty face and he holds his hand up, a stack of plates held in his hands.

“Okay okay I get it. You want to eat now.” Taeyong laughs, and takes the plate off of the anticipating Mark and grabs some tongs, plating the food in two big chunks on them. There’s still a little bit extra on the pans but Taeyong just moves them off the stove and switches the stove off. He grabs the food, one plate on each hand, and brings it back to the couch where Mark’s already sitting, curled up under the multiple blanket they had brought out for their X-Files marathon.

They make small talk as they eat, Taeyong enjoying himself as Mark constantly tells him how good the food tastes. That’s why when the topic of the night prior comes up, he doesn’t even know how they got there.

“Last night… it wasn’t you Taeyong.” Taeyong almost chokes on his bite of pasta, but luckily avoids it as he looks up at Mark.

“Are we talking about this now?” Taeyong asks, hoping that Mark says no and they can go back to before. He’s never that lucky though,

“I mean yeah… I just wanted to apologize for freaking out like that. It wasn’t.. It wasn’t entirely your fault or anything.” Mark says uncertainly and Taeyong sets his fork down beside his plate.

“Don’t apologize Mark. I crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have, it was really my fault.” Taeyong says fast, “I should be the one apologizing to you, not the other way around.”   
  


“Still–”

“Mark, never apologize about something that’s out of your control. You didn’t do anything wrong, I did.” Taeyong reiterates.

“I tried to kiss you… it was wrong, especially because there was no consent or–” Taeyong starts, only to cut off by something that makes his heart drop,

“I’m not gay Taeyong,” Mark says in a small voice, “I don’t know if y-you’re like a-attracted to me or anything like t-that but I’m not. I’m not g-gay.” He stutters nervously and Taeyong has to force a smile on his face,

“No, no that’s fine. I don’t like…  _ like  _ you or anything. I was drunk, it didn’t mean anything.” It hurts Taeyong to say that but he does. At least it’s partly the truth, it obviously didn’t mean anything. Especially to Mark,

“I didn’t mean for you to react like that… I’m sorta one of those inappropriately clingy drunks, y’know? I’m sorry it made you uncomfortable.” Taeyong wishes he could say sorry over and over again, he feels like no matter how many times he says it, it doesn’t excuse what he did. He tried to force himself on a straight man. That was all sorts of fucked up.

“Taeyong it’s fine! We were both drunk I overreacted and now I’m fine!” Mark tries to joke, but Taeyong winces at the forceful tone he uses. Mark’s breath is ragged and Taeyong forcibly remembers how shitty Mark looked in the morning when he walked in. He wishes he knew what he was thinking. Something hits Taeyong about how Mark looks and he can’t help but ask,

“Are you really fine Mark?” It comes out a little bit softer than he meant it to, and Mark picks up on that, his eyes getting more and more watery the longer Taeyong looks at him.

“That’s none of your business.” Mark bites back, but Taeyong can tell he doesn’t really mean to lash out so much, he just feels about it.

“I get things are kinda awkward between us right now but I’m always here for you. I’m your friend Mark.” Taeyong stares at Mark who bites at his lip before he responds almost silently,

“I know that,” Taeyong gives Mark a small encouraging smile, “But not… not right n-now. I’m  _ fine  _ right now.” Taeyong nods even though he doesn’t quite believes him, and ends up standing up and grabbing onto both of their plates.

“I’ll just clean these up then.” Taeyong takes them and walks over to the sink to clean the dishes. Mark joins him after a moment and they do the dishes together in silence. When Mark’s finished the last dish he leans up against Taeyong’s side, who takes a moment to really look at him again. His eyes are flickering between open and closed, and there are dark circles under both of his eyes.

“Mark you should get some rest.” Taeyong states, not giving room for argument even if Mark did try. He puts his hand around Mark’s shoulder and guides him to where he remembers Mark’s room to be, the others head resting against his chest.

“I’m going to leave now, okay? Jaehyun said he’ll be back soon but I need to get ready for work.” He says when he opens the door, “ _ You _   mister, should take a nap.” Mark nods slowly which is followed up by a yawn. 

“Yeah probably, thanks for today Taeyong.” Taeyong smiles broadly at Mark’s words and reaches out to ruffle his already messed up hair.

“Yeah yeah, bye Markie.” Taeyong whispers shyly.

“Goodbye Taeyong...” He trails off, sitting at the edge of his bed as Taeyong leaves his room.

Taeyong walks out of the door and exits Mark’s apartment, not looking back until he’s well away from the building, looking back only for a moment before crossing the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hears the first time we see taeyong's POV (i will start sprinkling it in every now and again). I also think we're about halfway through the story now? I'm not 100% sure though because i've only written up to chapter 10, but it should be around that amount. I do have school (read: hell) now so I'm might not be able to upload weekly, but ill try!
> 
> follow me on twitter: @imjustatypo
> 
> (also i just noticed there's 65 kudos on this, thank y'all so much 😭😭)


End file.
